In a surprise move after the raucous Halloween weekend just last week, President Farvardin announced that Stevens would be hosting an epic party in the coming weeks that would consume the entire campus.
Posts published in “Off The Press”
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Matthew Brantl.
In light of the recent rumors regarding potential threats to students’ candy including people sneaking pretzels, pencils, pens, and other illegal candy cop-outs into trick-or-treat bags, Stevens has announced a mandatory candy inspection policy for all students.
In the most stunning failure of digital infrastructure since the cyber attack which was not all that long ago, Stevens has announced that the load of simultaneous gaming, classwork, entertainment (for kids and adults), and Chegg overwhelmed the new WiFi and resulted in a total severing of the university’s internet connection.
Stevens recently announced the members of the Steering Committee who will design the 2022- 2032 strategic plan for the Innovation University.
Drama erupted in the offices of The Stute and here at Off The Press in the past week as both organizations were inundated with a barrage of complaints regarding the crossword and sudoku puzzles.
Last week, Stevens announced a new humanity class P-101, Intro to Paradoxes and Problems, which is open for registration to all students and will be taught by external experts.
After reports of a significant lack of professionalism among the undergraduate population during the first few weeks of classes, Stevens has announced they will be instituting a campus-wide dress code of squirrel costumes effective Monday.
Stevens’ professors were baffled during the first few classes as many students, new and old, were late to class or missed it entirely.
In a move that the administration says will provide increased access to NYC for students looking for jobs, internships, and networking opportunities, Stevens has announced that they are digging up and reconstructing the entire campus in Central Park in Manhattan.
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that everyone’s favorite reporter, the Prince of Print, the Sultan of Satire, the Babe Ruth of Breaking News, Simon Pepa, is about to graduate from college and will tragically no longer grace the pages of The Stute with his topical and trendy articles.