In light of the recent rumors regarding potential threats to students’ candy including people sneaking pretzels, pencils, pens, and other illegal candy cop-outs into trick-or-treat bags, Stevens has announced a mandatory candy inspection policy for all students. Ostensibly to protect the quality of the items handed out and consumed by students, we uncovered much more nefarious intentions behind the policy.
Stevens will be collecting a candy fee from every student who submits their candy for inspection. Seeing as the penalty for collecting candy without submitting it for candy inspection is complete candy confiscation, this policy applies to every candy-coveting comrade. However, to cover the costs of this blatant candy-grab, Stevens will be taking a percentage of all the candy they inspect. Any Payday and 100 Grand Bars will go straight into President Farvardin’s pocket, with the remaining candies being divided up among high level administrators and professors. It’s rumored the astronomy department is partial to Milky Ways, which is good for us at Off The Press, as we prefer Laffy Taffies and Snickers. Despite their comedy-connected names, it should be noted that our journalism is 100% serious, 100% of the time.
As they always do, Compass One found a way to inject themselves into the situation. We were purchasing candy to pass out from our offices during the trick-or-treat when a representative from the catering overlords came to inform us we would need to fill out a food waiver to pass out and collect candy. We were informed that random checkpoints would be set up on campus to verify that anyone carrying candy had the appropriate documentation. Compass One reserves the right to reject any candy that can be purchased at Shoprite or Walgreens, and has a blanket ban on anything from CVS.
In order to comply with health and safety rules, because the trick-or-treat is a large, campus-wide event, a designated eating area will be set up and no one will be allowed to eat outside of it. Off The Press caught surveyors going around with chalk to mark potential areas on the ground, and it looks like the eating area is going to be in the McLean parking lot.
In addition to approving candy, Stevens will be confiscating all candy from any student wearing a costume they deem insufficiently scary. This created a problem for one of our editors who was following the squirrel costume dress code when he was taken out of class by the scruff of his costume’s neck and told to get his act together because his costume was way too cute. He returned in a much more menacing demon squirrel costume that featured glowing red eyes, long, retractable claws, and oversized fangs. The sewing club will be holding several all-night meetings against campus policy to ensure students are able to get their costumes modified in time. Any student not wearing a costume will have their candy confiscated and will also be given a “Boring” mark on their official transcript.
Stevens will also use the trick-or-treat to launch their new candy division “Innovation Candy.” All students will be required to have a percentage of their total candy mass be made of innovation candy. In this way, Stevens ensures that the more candy you want to get, the more you must pay the school. Anyone with too low a percentage of innovation candy will have their haul confiscated and labeled as “not innovative” on their official transcript.
As an independent journalistic enterprise and not at all a propaganda machine for the school, we here at Off The Press would like to express our excitement for the trick-or-treat as well as our support for the policies Stevens is putting behind it.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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