After reports of a significant lack of professionalism among the undergraduate population during the first few weeks of classes, Stevens has announced they will be instituting a campus-wide dress code of squirrel costumes effective Monday. The costumes must “convincingly make the wearer appear to be a very large squirrel on two legs,” “feature at least one oversized fake acorn,” and “include room for the wearer to breathe” per the official policy. The squirrel costumes must be worn at all times on campus. The school has hired outside trapeze artists to enforce the policy by dressing in owl costumes and swooping down on unsuspecting violators. One member of our staff volunteered to test this. He was taken off his feet within a minute of stepping outside and we haven’t seen him since. If there are any typos in this article, it’s because Fred wasn’t here to correct thme.
Athletic teams were surprised to learn that the squirrel costumes would also be replacing their uniforms. One field hockey player approached us complaining that “squirrel hands were not designed for field hockey sticks.” We would have pointed out that the correct order of events was field hockey sticks not being designed for squirrel hands, but the aforementioned field hockey player was wielding a field hockey stick at the time and looked dangerous.
We were able to dig up some information the administration had tried to squirrel away regarding how the dress code will affect classes. Attendance will be taken by every student putting their fake acorn in a large glass jar. Seats will be assigned by looking underneath every chair to find acorns that crack open to reveal the assigned student’s name. The elevators will be taken out of commission, with students climbing vertically up buildings and jumping all the way down.
Professors, who are not exempt from the policy, have been advised to communicate in a series of squeaks and rustling motions whenever possible. When they spot someone on their phone in class, they are to turn their head and stare at the person with one eye. “I lost my homework” is now a valid excuse and will result in full credit for at least 80% of assignments. Bonus points will be given if the student is spotted looking through a garbage can for it beforehand.
Even Pierce Dining Hall is getting in the spirit with an array of new dishes. All squash will be replaced with acorn squash, which dismayed some of Off The Press’ pumpkin enthusiasts. Everything will be covered in walnuts, which we fear will cause many allergic reactions, but we also understand squirrels need to eat those nuts. People will now be allowed to take food out of the dining hall, provided it all fits within the cheeks of the costume.
Owls, foxes, and other predators of squirrels seem to have caught wind of the policy, as their local populations more than doubled in the past few days. We spoke to one newly moved-in fox from Oklahoma with a den by McLean, who told us “All these squirrels provide a lot of extra food for me and my family. I should have enough here for myself and to send back to my family.” At least that’s what we think he said; foxes don’t speak any of the 12 languages our staff knows so there was some guesswork involved.
Off The Press stands firmly behind this dress code, and we hope you do too. Any complaints can be put in acorns and buried with our complaint stash, but you’ll never find it, so we won’t read them.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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