In a move that the administration says will provide increased access to NYC for students looking for jobs, internships, and networking opportunities, Stevens has announced that they are digging up and reconstructing the entire campus in Central Park in Manhattan. Stevens has long touted its proximity to the city as a key benefit for students looking to jumpstart their careers, although we at Off The Press were surprised to learn of this significant development, given its potential to disrupt classes, and more importantly, the inconvenience it will cause the crews that install and remove the rented flowers that are planted at the start of semesters. “How are we supposed to keep them in an elegant circle around the Torch Bearers statue when boats are creating all these waves in the water, and also the statue isn’t even there because it’s being moved separately?” inquired one disgruntled flower manager. “Interstate commerce laws prevent us from transporting fertilizer across state lines with the flowers, so there’s no way we’ll be able to keep them standing tall and bright on the long, arduous journey to their new homes,” the head landscaper told us. Upon hearing of this predicament, Off the Press launched an investigation into flower biology, fertilizer production, and trade law, but were unable to come up with a workable solution in time because our only typewriter broke when we tried to connect it to the Internet.
The announcement caused distress among incoming first-year students, and especially in the parents’ Facebook group, where the surge in activity briefly crashed all of Facebook. Once the crash was over, one concerned parent of an incoming freshman posted, “Just heard Stevens is moving the entire campus to New York. Does anyone know if this will affect financial aid or if we’ll see any changes to the laptop program?” The post got 92 likes and 74 comments, but all of them just said they were also wondering the same thing.
E-mails and morse code transcripts obtained by Off The Press via the Freedom of Information Act reveal that Stevens considered moving the campus while classes were fully online, but determined that in accordance with the Stevens motto, they wanted to add some adversity for students to go through on their way to the stars. “Don’t worry, we’ll supply all the aspera you need so you can just focus on the astra,” a high-ranking administration official told our reporter, “and you can quote me on that.” This reference to the Stevens motto helps explain some decisions made over the last 18 months, including using Zoom for all online classes, instead of letting all the professors make Discord servers.
Off The Press inquired about how some specific buildings were going to be transferred. We were able to confirm the Gatehouse would be fully reconstructed at its original location before being shipped in one place to the new campus. The Howe Center will be carefully lowered down to the water where President Farvardin will windsurf across the river, using the 14 floors as a sail. A petition to have him use the 14 floor section as a diving board, and do an epic cannonball, has reached 7,000 signatures.
The ambitious project is sure to add to the visibility of Stevens and is an early contender for US World and News Report’s Top 100 Most Questionable University Decisions. As part of our contract with the school and despite any previous criticism of the administration, Off The Press now must legally inform you that we are in full support of this ambitious project. See you in New York!
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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