Stevens’ professors were baffled during the first few classes as many students, new and old, were late to class or missed it entirely. Others reported students that were not enrolled in their class showing up, getting a pen and paper, and taking notes. While the professors appreciated the enthusiasm, it did become a problem as several staffers here at Off The Press were unable to get seats in their classrooms because of these phantom students.
The cause of the confusion was the sudden appearance of fake campus maps all over the place, from mailboxes, to dorm halls, to one placed on the desk of President Farvardin himself. While some of the changes were relatively benign—like rotating the names of Morton, Peirce, and Kidde—other maps featured fake buildings like Hayden Hall and Jacobus Hall, or indicated a stash of free textbooks down in Sybill’s Cave. When we went to check Sybill’s Cave, we just found some ducks (the animals) eating the grass. After an hour of selfies with the ducks, who were very cute, we pursued the next fake map where we were disappointed to discover the nonexistence of a mysterious, smoky conference room under the gym where men in dark suits wear sunglasses and make important decisions.
We asked one fourth-year student who had been fooled into climbing a tree to get to their astronomy class how they could fall for such a transparent ploy after being on campus for years. “It just seemed like the best place to get a view of the stars and planets. Can you help me get down? I don’t think this branch will hold me,” he told us. To meet our editorial deadlines we had to leave right away, and I’m realizing now we never helped him get down, so if someone has a ladder we could borrow, just bring it to our offices as soon as you can.
Our investigative team was able to track down all the confusion to one sneaky student. It took a while for us to catch up with the culpable cartographer, as we were initially bamboozled by another one of his deceptive depictions, but we finally pinpointed the person’s position in the Burchard basement. By the time Off The Press, and its law enforcement division Off the Cuff got there, the student had transitioned from making fake maps to fake money.
“It’s too late! I’ve already flooded the system with DuckBills bought with counterfeit money! With the fake maps, no one will be able to find a machine in time to stop the collapse of the Stevens Financial System,” the student said before we could even ask for a quote. Unfortunately for our felonious friend, the machine they used to buy and spend duckbills was still in the room. Our Off the Cuff agents were able to collect their commission in counterfeit cash and DuckBills, before bringing the student to the financial court at the Hanlon Lab. The agents then took turns arresting each other and taking each other to court for using the counterfeit cash. As for your narrator and the editorial staff here at Off The Press, we would like to state that the remaining counterfeit cash has been destroyed and has not been used to buy lunches for our entire staff for the next six weeks, because that would be illegal.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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