Stevens recently announced the members of the Steering Committee who will design the 2022- 2032 strategic plan for the Innovation University. The process began months ago with the survey sent out to all members of the community looking for opinions on areas of improvement and new things to focus on. Not mentioned in the email that listed the members of the committee was the result of the first secret meeting that was already held. Luckily, Off The Press’s assistant typewriter technician Mark had to access a closet near the room where it was held and was able to eavesdrop on the entire meeting.
By 2032, Stevens aims to have taken over the United States government and be in the process of developing strong diplomatic relations with major international powers like China, Russia, and Tuvalu. In our boardroom, we spent several hours looking for Tuvalu on a map before concluding that the island nation in the Pacific supposedly at -8.5o latitude, 179.15o longitude might not exist at all, and is simply a ploy to get the .tv domain name for capitalistic reasons. After we came to this conclusion, a lawyer from Twitch knocked on our door and asked us to sign an NDA, but we would not be deterred by the powerful corporations on our quest for journalistic justice.
The plan to replace the current government has multiple stages. The first stage, which we are currently in, involves determining which faculty and students would be most suitable for each position in government. For this reason, mysterious people in suits will be in the back of every classroom for the rest of the semester, evaluating everyone in the room to see who would be the best senate parliamentarian, the best henchman, the best congressional staffer, and so on. One of our journalists approached a man at the back of his CAL103 class and was then offered yet another NDA which he signed and so now we have no idea what he said to the mysterious man due to our strict policy of not violating NDAs.
The second stage of the plan was the most exciting for us. President Farvardin aims to shut down all national news networks and replace them with the fine journalists at Off The Press to put out propaganda to drum up support for his new government. We could not be more honored to have overheard that we would play a critical role in overthrowing the United States government and since we didn’t sign an NDA for this one, we can tell you all about it. In the coming weeks you can expect to see many more stories detailing the conquests of President Farvardin, from his humble beginnings on a family farm, to inventing electricity, founding Stevens, and creating the Pinnacle Scholars program which we will convince everyone is actually a very good thing.
With control of the news and information reaching the American public, Farvardin will, at an exclusive press conference with Off The Press, simply declare himself ruler of the country, and everyone will agree to it. Off The Press has already begun the process of reaching out to foreign powers and the United Nations to alert them of the coming changes. This article also serves as official notice to state governors, cabinet members, and other so-called important individuals that many of them will be replaced by adjunct professors of cabinetry and TAs in microwave usage classes.
Since you read this article, we now need you to sign an NDA so that no word of this upcoming coup gets into the wrong hands, please visit our office hours.
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