In light of the recent rumors regarding potential threats to students’ candy including people sneaking pretzels, pencils, pens, and other illegal candy cop-outs into trick-or-treat bags, Stevens has announced a mandatory candy inspection policy for all students.
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Off the Press is Stevens' premier news source for literally everything. With over 35,000 articles, 12 Pulitzer Prizes. and 26 Kids' Choice Awards under our belt, we are more than capable of reporting on any story with grace, style, and good looks. You can rest assured that everything we report on is 100% the absolute truth, and cannot be refuted by any being alive today. Stop by our offices any time in the Secret Basement of Howe, and tell the ominous-looking door the secret code word "News" to get a free tote bag!
In the most stunning failure of digital infrastructure since the cyber attack which was not all that long ago, Stevens has announced that the load of simultaneous gaming, classwork, entertainment (for kids and adults), and Chegg overwhelmed the new WiFi and resulted in a total severing of the university’s internet connection.
Stevens recently announced the members of the Steering Committee who will design the 2022- 2032 strategic plan for the Innovation University.
After reports of a significant lack of professionalism among the undergraduate population during the first few weeks of classes, Stevens has announced they will be instituting a campus-wide dress code of squirrel costumes effective Monday.
Stevens’ professors were baffled during the first few classes as many students, new and old, were late to class or missed it entirely.
In a move that the administration says will provide increased access to NYC for students looking for jobs, internships, and networking opportunities, Stevens has announced that they are digging up and reconstructing the entire campus in Central Park in Manhattan.
It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that everyone’s favorite reporter, the Prince of Print, the Sultan of Satire, the Babe Ruth of Breaking News, Simon Pepa, is about to graduate from college and will tragically no longer grace the pages of The Stute with his topical and trendy articles.
In a shocking display of environmentalism, Stevens has recently announced that it will soon be entirely powered by renewable energy sources starting October 1st.
With the speedy rollout of mostly-safe vaccines to the population and the end of the pandemic finally within view, Stevens finds itself at a difficult position of actually having to function as a proper school for the first time in over a year.
Important Notice: Due to limitations imposed upon Off the Press by the Stute that may or may not be the direct result of our trying to break the story of the SGA’s brief flirt with totalitarianism last semester, the kind, lovable, and attractive journalists at Off the Press are no longer allowed to post the actual names of any student within our news articles, even if they are a public figure currently occupying the highest office in the land.