The blood drive at Walker Gym on Wednesday was a huge success with many students volunteering to have needles poked in them for several minutes to extract some of their oxygen-carrying donuts, alphabetic antigens, and buffy coats (that’s a real part of blood) for transfer to patients in need.
The Stute
If you’re anything like me, waking up in the morning is such an impossible feat that it’s borderline embarrassing. It takes an infinite amount of willpower and determination for me to simply get out of bed, especially when I have a stressful day ahead of me.
Over spring break, my friends and I (personal shoutout to Sofie, Delia, and Serena) became absolutely infatuated with the new Hulu series, “The Drop Out.”
I first heard about the book Dune years ago. In high school, I had a few friends who talked about it non-stop and tried to get everyone they could to read it as well.
Extra, extra read all about it! After many successful years of utilizing 10G WiFi, Snevets has made the executive decision to decrease their WiFi capacity to 1G.
Although Snevets previously announced that it would be removing asbestos in the space previously occupied by Kernel Jan’s, it seems that the administration has had a change of heart.
As if the current housing system wasn’t perfect enough, Snevets has announced a few updates regarding the “University Towers.”
Due to arbitrary, unjustified uproar over this semester’s housing registration process, Snevets has decided to reset current housing assignments and add every applicant to an extensive waitlist.
Snevets has officially announced its new elite 8-year undergraduate degree program! Effective immediately, excelling students will be selected to extend their undergraduate degrees by four years.
I am writing this from an undisclosed location in fear of my safety. The following events that I am about to disclose Really and Actually Happened, and you can trust me because this is the Internet and Everything Is Real (except for birds, but we’ll cover that another time).
(Editor’s Note: This article is satire)
Tensions are rising as Snevets proves it is able to design buildings that don’t look like vomit stains.