I am writing this from an undisclosed location in fear of my safety. The following events that I am about to disclose Really and Actually Happened, and you can trust me because this is the Internet and Everything Is Real (except for birds, but we’ll cover that another time).
On Thursday, February 31 a brawl broke out between former Editor-in-Chief Nadalee Toad-Arrow and current Editor-in-Chief, Sanejana Mad-at-u. Initially, the meeting began as a conversation about when The St*te would move offices to the University Towers. However, it quickly became evident that there was no agreement between the two parties; the former had no idea and the latter also had no idea either as to when this fabled and all-too-frequent office moving event would take place since no one had heard from The Administrative Powers That Be in a hot minute.
Toad-Arrow commented “It’s the lack of communication for me” which Mad-at-u misinterpreted as a dig, and quickly responded with “It is the use of a contraction for me!” And both parties immediately got all up in each others’ business.
As mature newspaper people, they decided to settle it at the octagon the following day and both left the office in a hurry to hit up the Narp Gym in order to maximize their gains. One frat brother, who happened to be taking pictures of his biceps in the mirror at that time, commented that Toad-Arrow’s deadlift “would put James Johnson’s deadlift to shame” because “bro, I mean, I’ve never seen James Johnson lift but, like, I just feel like if he was gonna deadlift he’d be fiiiiiire at it.” Mad-at-u, on the other hand, was bench-pressing four plates total like it was nothing.
“I just like don’t know how I should like feel about this,” one particular biztech, who was found crying and curled up in a ball by the door, commented. “I’ve been working on my compounds for the last sixteen business months and even I can’t do that.”
Needless to say, this debacle continued for the next seven hours until the guy working the door woke up and told everyone it was time to leave as he had maxed out on his hours on Workday for the week. The following day, Toad-Arrow and Mad-at-u finally faced off in the makeshift octagon made out of the leftover pizzas from Pierce, held together by D2 robot scraps. When the referee, Kenneth Nielsen, Dean of Students, rang the bell, Toad-Arrow went after Mad-at-u at a dead sprint, completely ignoring the rules set forth by The Geneva Convention (she took no prisoners). Unfortunately for Mad-at-u, only one editor walked out of the ring.
Upon hearing a rumor that I would someday venture to run for Editor-in-Chief, Toad-Arrow immediately collected the remaining pizza slices from the ring and used them to bribe grad students to track me down. I am on the run for my life and tell this tale as a warning for potential Editors-in-Chief-to-be.
Please note that if this has made it to print then I am safely aboard the S.S. Snevets, sailing away to a secondary undisclosed location that is both the name of a water bottle brand and tropical destination in Oceania. Chips Ahoy!
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