Extra, extra read all about it! After many successful years of utilizing 10G WiFi, Snevets has made the executive decision to decrease their WiFi capacity to 1G. After not-so careful consideration, Snevets has decided to further inconvenience their students by making it virtually impossible to access the internet during class and around campus. When asked for a statement on the issue Snevets stated, “We have the money for 10G, that’s never an issue here. We just felt like making the students and faculty work a little harder and struggle, you know? It was getting a little boring on campus.”
A shocking realization was discovered by Pearl: President Narfarvar’s house and Dean Nilsen’s office are still receiving 10G WiFi. When the word got out, students and faculty all huddled on President Narfarvar’s lawn trying to use their electronic devices. Students stayed on the lawn all night and day, only leaving to eat. Some students even brought beach chairs so they could tan while working. In addition, students quickly realized that in the Samuel C. Library WiFi capacity is a shocking 0.01G. A business student stated, “I never go to the library, so it doesn’t matter to me. Do the frats still have 10G?”
When surveying the student body and faculty, The Stupe received a number of responses. One student explained, “I haven’t been able to complete a single assignment all semester. Kinda good not gonna lie. This isn’t much different than any other semester.” Another student stated, “I was forced to purchase a personal hotspot. Why does Snevets keep taking all my money? I’m gonna need to sell a kidney to afford this school.” The faculty stated, “It typically takes us months to grade exams and papers, so students should expect feedback from us within the next year or so. We will reach out through paper mail since e-mail takes too long now.”
In an effort to fix the issue, students have designed their very own WiFi system titled “DIY-WiFi.” It runs purely on human power, so someone is running on a human-sized hamster wheel 24 hours a day. Sources say that everyone will be required to run on the wheel at least two times a week. Similar to randomized COVID-19 testing, students will be notified via email. You must attend the session you are assigned to. So far, the success rate has been high. Students reported that they can finally access the internet within 20 minutes, which is a huge improvement— with 1G, it takes students 45 minutes. Snevets has no intent on switching back to 10G WiFi, so we suggest you get used to waiting or running on a hamster wheel.
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