Disclaimer: The following piece is a satirical opinion piece and is not meant to reflect real news events. Opinion pieces reflect the views of the writer and do not reflect the views of The Stute as an organization or any others involved in making The Stute.
Posts published by “Off Center”
Off the Press is Stevens' premier news source for literally everything. With over 35,000 articles, 12 Pulitzer Prizes. and 26 Kids' Choice Awards under our belt, we are more than capable of reporting on any story with grace, style, and good looks. You can rest assured that everything we report on is 100% the absolute truth, and cannot be refuted by any being alive today. Stop by our offices any time in the Secret Basement of Howe, and tell the ominous-looking door the secret code word "News" to get a free tote bag!
If all goes well, this article should be published just days after the 2020 Presidential Election, an event that we can only assume went perfectly fine and the results of which haven’t angered anyone.
It only took an entire month, but the SGA finally released a public statement regarding the political upheaval that took place within the hallowed halls of the Senate, when two-thirds of the previous Cabinet resigned in disgrace only to be replaced in secret by E.J.
Several students have fallen victim to the malevolent workings of Hoboken's resident evil wizard, and also some people got cursed.
Read this week's [redacted] Off Center column.
In a move that literally no one liked nor understood, all students trying to log into their MyStevens, Canvas, or Office 365 accounts will now have to complete Duo’s iron-clad multi-factor authentication before gaining access to their valuable data.
A recent survey sent out to all virtual-only students has revealed that exactly 0 people have worn pants to any Zoom class during the entire semester.
Much like its older and more handsome brother, the Stevens Honor Board, the Stevens Health Honor Board has largely been ceremonial and frankly useless ever since its inception.
Steven's famous mascot/resident war criminal has fallen ill with COVID-19, ruining the school's current streak. Try not to cry long enough to read the article.
Read Off Center's first Off The Press column of the semester.