If all goes well, this article should be published just days after the 2020 Presidential Election, an event that we can only assume went perfectly fine and the results of which haven’t angered anyone. Talk to anyone in the Student Government Association (SGA) about the election, and they will (often without provocation) extol the virtues of voting and give long-winded speeches about how it is our civic duty to participate in our nation’s democracy and how this election, just like every other previous election, is the most important in our nation’s history and should be treated with the utmost seriousness and lack of humor. However, they will not extend the same courtesy to the SGA election, an election that is infinitely more important and will have a much larger impact on our collective lives. Instead, after more than half of the SGA Cabinet had resigned by October 4, including the President and Vice President of Operations, the SGA decided to have a little one-night stand with authoritarianism and hold a “special election” to replace them. Where “special” in this case means “without the consent of the student body.” So, you know. That’s a fun grammar rule for you.
“Honestly, I can’t believe we got away with it,” said one SGA member wearing a military uniform and enough medals to weigh down a particularly fragile elephant. “When the Cabinet resigned, I was not looking forward to setting up the election Google Form. I mean, four whole questions? That would’ve taken hours! But then I realized, we don’t need the students to vote if we don’t tell them that a vote is happening at all! Now if you’ll excuse me, one of the Stute reporters wrote something mean about me, so I’m going to dangle them over Attila while they’re covered in sourdough.”
Once the SGA realized that no one was going to call them out on their flagrant disregard of democracy, they decided to lean into the whole dictatorship vibe they recently got going on and sent out a notice to students regarding all future Senate elections:
“As of now, the right to vote will only be granted to sitting SGA members. If any plebeians somehow manage to get their filthy commoner hands on a ballot, please immediately return it to the SGA ‘Election’ Committee to prevent any accidental influence over the future of the SGA. Any peasant found trying to exercise their suffrage will be met with the SGA’s ‘special’ firing squad, which we can assure you will be an equal-opportunity group of executioners,” yelled out current President-for-Life E.J. Hannah from his throne while Attila carefully fed him grapes with their disturbingly human fingers that they keep tucked away within their wings. “Also, the President gets 10,000 votes. Now, I propose an SGA announcement that E.J. Hannah is a super rad dude and everyone is legally obligated to be friends with him. Any opposed?” Hannah then glared at the rest of the SGA quivering in the corner, who quickly shook their heads. “Wow, a 10,000-0 vote! That must be a new record!”
With the U.S. election (hopefully) over and the SGA election postponed to whenever E.J. Hannah either kicks the proverbial bucket or says something bad on Twitter, it’s going to be a while until we can feel the rush of casting our ballot again (or, in the SGA’s case, the rush of being told that the last Cabinet left like a month ago but it’s fine because we got a new guy now). In the words of disgraced ex-President Sam Molla in her apology letter that nobody was allowed to read, “[We] want to encourage an environment of taking accountability across campus — we want to show that being a leader means owning up to your mistakes and apologizing when you receive negative feedback.” If “accountability” means sneakily declaring elections, only releasing a public statement about the Cabinet situation a month after it happened, and making poor Martini dress up as a demon with the words “Voter!!! >:(” written in red on them for the SGA’s propaganda films, then I intend to have harsh words with Messrs. Merriam and/or Webster.
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