Disclaimer: The following piece is a satirical opinion piece and is not meant to reflect real news events. Opinion pieces reflect the views of the writer and do not reflect the views of The Stute as an organization or any others involved in making The Stute.
In a shocking twist of the school administration actually doing something for once, popular fraternity Phi Sigma Kappa (PSK, also known by its childhood friends as Piskies) has been suspended from campus for a year after allegedly holding a party at their house, something that is generally disapproved of at the best of times, (dry campus, guys) but is an especially big no-no now that a single sneeze can potentially wipe out a city block. In fact, the administration was so eager to clamp down on any unlawful merry-making that they didn’t even wait for evidence of Piskies’ alleged absolute banger, and decided to shut the fraternity down with only the word of an eyewitness whose name shall not be revealed because of our rock solid journalistic integrity and also because we don’t know who it is. “You should have seen it, they were going crazy!” the whistleblower said, arms flailing wildly. “There was drinking, dancing, board games, clowns, elephants, I’m pretty sure I saw Danny DeVito, Martini was doing keg stands, people were slapping each other with fish, and worst of all, I wasn’t invited!” The alleged eyewitness continued giving an extremely detailed and often contradictory account of the alleged rager that they allegedly saw with their two alleged eyes, until they allegedly ran out of breath and allegedly started crying about not being friends with the alleged “cool kids.” After the witness stopped hyperventilating, they continued. “As soon as I saw the party, I called the school’s Snitch Hotline—I have them on speed-dial, and if I get three more people expelled I can get a free Attila plushie—and I presented them with all of my evidence: the evidence is that I saw it. So, do you think Piskies will invite me next time?”
“Stevens cannot afford to take anything other than a zero-tolerance stance against illegal and immoral debauchery on campus,” said one fun-hating official during a press release while brothers from PSK were on their knees pleading for mercy behind them. “Any student caught having the slightest modicum of fun, joy, happiness, festivity, or camaraderie will be met with the harshest penalty Stevens can legally provide without breaking the Geneva Convention. In fact, I personally don’t think that we went far enough to punish these godless vagabonds. Phi Sigma Kappa should have been wiped off of the map with a tactical missile strike, and I am submitting a proposal to President Farvardin to allow me to obtain a legal arsonry license from the DMV so I can finally rid the world of this wretched frolicking.” When asked if the school had been too quick to suspend Piskies, the official scoffed. “We did a full, thorough investigation into Phi Sigma Kappa about the night in question. We asked all of the brothers, ‘Did you have a party that night?’ and they all said no. It’s pretty suspicious that they all had the same answer, isn’t it? Almost like they did have a party!”
Piskies is arguing against their apparent unjust suspension, saying that the school did not reach out to them to ask them their side of the story, and only communicating with them to tell them they were suspended. “Every time I tried to explain that there wasn’t a party, the person on the phone just laughed in my face!” said one PSK brother living in a cardboard box holding a sign that said “Will Chug For Food.” “Another time, I tried talking to the administration, and they said ‘partypersonsayswhat?’ and I was like ‘what?’ and they hung up! I think they counted that as evidence, too!” The brother had more to say, but he smelled someone open a can of Bud Lite a few blocks away and ran after it on all fours.
Off the Press can sympathize with Piskies having to deal with a group of authority in the school refusing to communicate very important details that concerns them, and also we want to be invited to one of their parties, so we have no choice but to support Piskies and protest their suspension with the full force of the American journalistic tradition. If we become a society where frat brothers can’t even have a few brews with the boys in their own home without the long arm of the law bearing down on them, then what are we fighting for?
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