Dreadful news this week as the school has recently announced that 16 Stevens students, including 8 who have been living on campus, have somehow managed to test positive for COVID-19, despite the school’s ironclad law of “Ducks Don’t Get COVID.” However, it’s not just the Coronavirus that has been sweeping through the student body faster than the SGA appointing a new Cabinet: a number of students have also tested positive for magical curses, laid upon them by a dastardly wizard with a penchant for mischief. The wizard, known only as Ranthar the Reprehensible, cursed some 12 students after they ding-dong-ditched his imposing castle tower overlooking the creepy side of town where all of the ghouls, goblins, ghosties, and other assorted creepy-crawly denizens of Under Hoboken reside. “After the third time of no one being at my door, I just got sick of it,” said Mr. the Reprehensible in an interview where we yelled at his tower and he yelled back from a balcony fifty feet above us. “So, you know, I had some newt eyes lying around, and I just got a new set of sacrificial daggers from Target, and I thought, ‘why not?’” The interview went on for an hour longer, but by this time our reporter had been turned into a bullfrog by the wizard’s magical aura and could no longer hold their pen to any degree of satisfaction.
The afflicted students were immediately brought to the Stevens Paranormal Task Force, the premier supernatural experts on campus. Unfortunately, not even the Task Force’s decades of experience were enough to undo the curse. “The [pandemic] has really limited our options,” said the leader of the Task Force, a floating torso that slowly spins in front of Burchard, ominously dripping a viscous fluid. (He has tenure.) “It’s really hard to recite from eldritch scriptures when your mask is covering the writhing tentacles that are supposed to come out of your mouth. And forget about getting any infants: by the time they get out of the two-week quarantine, they’re too old to be sacrificed!”
Meanwhile, the cursed students have been forced to deal with their new conditions as best they can. “It hasn’t been that bad,” said one student with a three-eyed crow pecking out their jugular. “Jeremy here is a bit of a pain in the neck sometimes (the crow’s pecking noticeably increased at this point), but he’s pretty cute, actually. Plus, he’s a chick magnet!” The student continued smiling as the door burst open and a screaming woman flew directly at him, where she was absorbed by the crow with a squelching sound. Another student, whose face had been flipped upside down and whose arms were a tenth of their normal size, didn’t find the situation so bearable. “Do you have any idea how many people have said ‘high five!’ to me this week?” they said, their tiny little baby arms flailing in adorable anger. “It’s not funny! I’ve had it up to here with it!” The student raised their cute mini left arm a full two inches, indicating that they were indeed furious.
“At this time, we are unaware if these curses are contagious, but we are researching the topic as best we can,” said one Stevens official wearing reading glasses while flipping through a Harry Potter book, taking notes and highlighting relevant passages. “We have notified the Health Honor Board of the situation and have expanded their powers accordingly. As of now, anyone caught handling potion-making equipment without the proper PPE will be suspended from campus, as well as anyone who enters the spirit world without staying six feet apart from all of the ghosts. In addition, the supernatural club Engineers Without Bodies has been temporarily suspended from hosting any further events until we get the situation under control.” EWB has protested against their suspension, arguing that their club is about education and not, as their DuckLink page states, “total domination of the mortal plane and an end to the Age of Flesh.” “I can’t believe we have to cancel Virtual Exorcism Night!” said the Secretary of EWB, an incorporeal wisp of light that appeared in one of our reporters’ bedrooms in the middle of the night. “I was really looking forward to taking over that priest!”
Off the Press can only pray for a speedy recovery to all those cursed by Ranthar the Reprehensible, and hopes that the school is able to come up with a solution that is even half as good as their stellar response to the Coronavirus. If anyone has any arcane knowledge or has seen Disney Channel Original Movie Twitches, or its sequel Twitches Too, please come share any information you may have to lift the curses at the Stevens Paranormal Task Force HQ, currently located inside Martini’s left nostril. Knock loudly when you show up, Martini thinks about car horns a lot and it gets noisy in there.
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