A lot of eggs were mysteriously deposited all over campus last weekend by a large, white-haired creature with absolutely immense ears that just so happened to be pretty cute. Most of the time, eggs are deposited in small groupings by birds in nests, but these were scattered every which way and have been continuously discovered since the first spotting on Sunday. This might have to do with the fact that the depositing creature in question was in fact a big bunny, and bunnies do not lay eggs like birds. These eggs appeared to have been purchased at Shoprite for $3.79, and our hypothesis was corroborated by a Shoprite employee who was there Saturday saying, “A big bunny walked in, bought eggs, and left.”
However, it seems that our furry culprit failed to consider the consequences of hiding real eggs all over campus. While we at Off the Press appreciate the commitment to sustainability and reducing microplastics in our environment, real eggs get pretty stinky after a few days outside. At first, we thought it was just the road being paved, but after it stayed around for a while, it didn’t take much longer for us to discover a suspiciously bright purple real egg in a tree.
By then, the hunt was on. Our typewriters were abandoned, and it was every editor, reporter, and writer in Off the Press for themselves. While we were finding the eggs so they could be disposed of quickly, a number of our members seemed to be convinced that the eggs would have chocolate and money in them. These notions were dispelled by the yellow yolks and white eggwhite that invariably greeted the excited egg finders.
Unfortunately, there were only a dozen eggs to be found, so the whole process took like 10 minutes. All the eggs were found, and we returned to our offices to enjoy some hard-boiled delicacies. Or so we thought.
A series of panicked anonymous tips and our own observations the next day caused uproar in our offices when we found out the mysterious bunny had purchased not one, but two dozen eggs at Shoprite. We rushed out of the offices with night vision goggles and gas masks but quickly removed the goggles once we remembered it was daytime (no windows in the office). These eggs were much harder to find than the first set. As students and staff collapsed all around campus, our editors, reporters, and writers took up the roles of heroes, dashing about and shoving eggs into their purple wicker baskets. The baskets were brought back to our offices in droves, or at least one drove because a drove implies at least twelve I think, and sent right to the incinerator that we normally use for important documents.
We here at Off the Press are pleased to report that the threat has been neutralized, but just to be safe, we will be carefully monitoring all locations on campus where eggs are sold to make sure no jokester thinks he sees a really funny opportunity.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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