We here at Off the Press were surprised to learn that one of the many parties we were not invited to is called the “Founders Day Ball,” and that it is going to be tonight. While we love a good party — in fact, we have a ball at the ones we do go to — we wanted to find out exactly what was found to be so amazing to be cause enough for a school-wide nighttime field trip to celebrate.
The first and most obvious thing that could have been found is the day itself. Of course, March 11 is hardly the perfect day for anything though. Too early to be Pi day, too close to the Ides of March to be carefree and relaxed, too late to celebrate or lament both not having or having a significant other depending on your current relationship status and situation. It’s also not anyone’s birthday in Off the Press. So there’s no way they’re celebrating a very special day that they found.
Our editors went on a mission to find the mysterious organizers of the event to investigate further. Upon discovering all of them had dogs as pets and played with them often with balls (like good dog owners should), we were wondering if they had lost a ball, became unable to play with their dog as a result, found it, and were now throwing a massive party to celebrate. This would indeed be a very clever dual use of the word “ball,” taking advantage of not only its meaning as a dance but also as a spherical object. After establishing all of them had balls in abundance and, thus, the loss of a single ball would not be cause for concern, this was ruled out as well. At this point in our investigation, the Sherlock theme was playing in our office nonstop as we continued to make deductions.
After listening to that banger of a theme for a few hours however, we got tired of it and decided it would be much more interesting simply to induce the reason for the dance. We gathered what we knew, which was pretty easy because it was only that something was found, there is a day, and there is a ball. Balls, of course, bounce. Bouncy balls are the best toy. Days become night. Night starts at nightfall. Things that are found were once lost. People that lose things are losers.
It took all the typewriters and mechanical calculators in our office to figure this one out, but at long last, we are pleased to report that the real reason for the Founders Day Ball is that it’s a celebration of the founding of Stevens and the creation of the password “stevens1870” which happened simultaneously in 1870. Off the Press was able to get some last minute tickets to the event and you’ll be able to find us for autographs and pictures at table 15.5. We were only able to get half a table for the entire team.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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