It was Valentine’s Day this Sunday, which means that love is in the air, along with a certain virus that shall not be named. While Stevens is well-known for the romantic prowess of its students, one group of matchmakers decided to help out those few students who weren’t quite able to locate that special someone in their lives. In an attempt to connect students to their better half, noted lovesmiths Stevens Match sent out a peer-reviewed and increasingly personal survey to collect as much data about their prospective clients in order to meticulously match them with their scientifically-determined soulmate. By Valentine’s Day, Match was able to successfully connect over 200 students, resulting in over 80 newly-founded relationships. Of these, there have already been 19 engagements, 35 weddings, 12 divorces (four from the same couple), and a combined 120 children as a result of Match’s elite squad of babies wielding bows and arrows with heart tips. “I don’t think I could even look at another wedding cake ever again,” said one bloated-looking cherubim from Stevens Match. “I’ve had to write twelve Best Man speeches, attend thirty baby showers, and pop out of six cakes in the last week alone!”
Despite the best efforts of the love wizards at Match, there was one student who they were unable to connect with anyone. The student, codenamed “The Enigma” by Match’s crack team of romance gurus, was determined to be scientifically and objectively incompatible with any other human being that has lived or will ever live. “We ran through like five supercomputers trying to crunch the numbers for The Enigma,” said Match’s chief love scientist, a fluffy pink rabbit with a heart-shaped nose. “But no matter what parameters we put in, the machines would always print out a skull and crossbones and then self-terminate out of pure disgust for existing in the same universe as them. I’ve never seen anything like it!” The scientist then excused themself to relieve some stress by snorting an entire line of Pixy Stix and glitter.
Off The Press has managed to obtain an exclusive copy of The Enigma’s survey response, and hoo boy, Stevens Match certainly had their work cut out for them. On their ideal date, The Enigma espoused the romantic potential of “stomping on puppies while committing tax fraud.” When asked for their opinions about having children (a very relevant question for college students), The Enigma said “I would only have kids if I could make enough to form a toddler-sized army and defeat other parents in child fights. Plus, they all have to be named Mordecai.” The worst part is their astrological sign: the most vital and influential indicator of a couple’s compatibility. We don’t really know exactly what Stevens Match’s zodiac division was babbling on about, since we are more concerned with the truth, but we got the basic gist: apparently, The Enigma was born under both the Moon and the Sun while Jupiter was inside of Neptune’s third house for Saturn’s birthday party, but Pluto wasn’t invited because it isn’t a planet anymore, and Mercury showed up drunk and knocked over the cheese platter. And it was on a Thursday, too, which just made everything worse. “In summary, the planets have conspired to make The Enigma the worst person possible,” said one astrologist scribbling scientific calculations on a Bedazzled calendar. “They’re a Libra, a Cancer, a Scorpio, and they were born in the year of the Rabbit! The universe hates them!” We were not able to get any response from The Enigma themself, not because they were unavailable, but because none of our reporters wanted to speak to them.
Now is the season for us to get close to our loved ones (but not too close, or else your face will melt off and your bones will fall out from the sexiest disease known to mankind). Off The Press wishes all of our readers the best in their love lives, though our only love is the hot, sexy pursuit of journalism and the supple yet nubile form of truth. God, just thinking about the sensual eroticism of the news … absolutely drenched in ink … um, if you’ll excuse me, I have to … uh, do news … stuff.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news.
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