In an unexpected turn of events that literally everyone expected, the fancy-schmancy new constitution that the Student Government Association (SGA) painstakingly wrote after a full weekend of drinking, partying, and reading the Bill of Rights was unceremoniously rejected after failing to meet the prerequisite of having a third of the student body respond to the survey. Unfortunately, the SGA only got a whopping 270 people, or a mind-boggling 7.12% of the undergraduate population, to actually respond to the survey, which is coincidentally exactly equal to the number of students currently serving within the SGA plus their roommates. In response to the overwhelming lack of interest from the student body, the SGA has decided to bite the bullet and actually hold a presidential election this month, in stark contrast to last semester when it did the political equivalent of a child hiding a stolen cookie behind their back, except in this case the cookie was democracy and the angry parent was the disenfranchised masses clamoring for fair representation. “Fine, I guess we’ll have an election or whatever,” said the SGA’s spokesperson during one of the press releases that they regularly have. “But I’m not happy about it!”
The reaction among students to the constitution’s demise is mixed, ranging from complete apathy to total ignorance. “Oh yeah, I heard there was an SGA thing going on,” said one of the more politically-minded students we interviewed. “I was going to vote, but as soon as I opened the extremely professional-looking Google Form I fell asleep from pure boredom.” Most students didn’t even get that far. “Wait, there’s a Small Gopher Association here?” said one particularly dim-witted student. “And they’re writing a tiny constitution? Aw, are the gophers wearing little wigs and baby robes? Does the main gopher have a tiny gavel? I have to see this!” The student then ran off before our reporter could correct them: the Small Gopher Association is not rewriting their constitution, but are merely adding a number of amendments to address the worrying amount of embezzlement caused by previous Treasurers stuffing large amounts of funds into their cute little gopher mouths. The school has lost an estimated $386,000 from this practice.
Morale down at SGA HQ (which is constitutionally obligated to be whichever building in Hoboken has the highest number of American flags in it) is at an all-time low following the absolute trouncing of their beloved new consitution. “I just don’t understand what we did wrong!” said one morose senator weeping among the scattered pieces of a ripped-up copy of the failed constitution. “We sent like three whole emails! And we put the link in the SGA Slack channel that literally everyone on campus is a part of! How could this have happened?” Another senator was cradling a life-size portrait of George Washington and softly sobbing while a third was frantically searching the room to see if they had somehow lost 994 votes behind the couch cushions or something.
Despite this bruise to whatever microscopic scrap of pride the SGA has left, restructuring efforts are still underway to address the fundamental issues with the current constitution. Orders of ink and quills are being shipped to Babbio in record numbers, and the entire supply of powdered wigs within the East Coast has been used up as the sheer amount of civic progress emanating from the senators’ thinkin’ caps causes any wig placed on them to instantly burst into a mini Fourth of July fireworks display complete with a fly-by from the Blue Angels. The SGA is taking notes from famous government documents across the world, including the Declaration of Independence, the Magna Carta, the Geneva Convention, the script of the musical Hamilton, a memo from the Japanese National Diet about how the toilets needed fixing, the erotic novel Winston Churchill wrote in his spare time, and a McDonald’s receipt Jimmy Carter scribbled on. It is shaping up to be the greatest piece of legislation ever conceived, and optimistic senators estimate that it will get at least 20 more votes than last time if they ask really nicely.
Off The Press mourns the loss of a surely life-altering constitutional change within the SGA, though we’re not exactly breaking out the Kleenex to dry our flood of tears. While the only god Off The Press believes in is the written word, it feels truly karmic that the administration that was brought in through a secret election no one knew about had their flagship piece of legislation fail because no one knew about it.
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