Panic has erupted on campus with the discovery that a secret society has been stealthily operating under our collective noses, wreaking unknown havoc on our school and pulling the strings on every major event that has taken place here. Known only as “Khoda,” the society was revealed by a recent Stute article, which ripped the veil off the secret society and revealed it to the general public. So I guess it’s not really a secret society anymore, more like just a society. But still, this once-secret society has been the bane of students and administrators alike in its long 242-year run.
Khoda started out as most secret societies do: no one knows how they started. Some historians believe the society was created during the age when Castle Stevens ruled the land, and it has served as a shadowy government/knitting club ever since. Others say that the club was more religious in nature, and has had every single U.S. president in its ranks except for William Henry Harrison, who was invited but replied, “Sorry, I’m going to die in 31 days so I can’t, sorry.”
Khoda is a self-described leadership honor society that is the sole protector of students and student organizations, despite the fact that the SGA continues to exist as of the time of writing. “The secrecy part is just for flavor,” said an anonymous source from Khoda. “We don’t really need to keep secret, but it gives the whole thing an air of mystery that you just couldn’t get from a public society. If we weren’t secret, then we’d just be another boring service club, and I wouldn’t be able to wear my trench coat all the time! And I love wearing my trench coat!” Also, the Stute used to just publish their new members every semester, so Khoda’s pretty much been consistently dropping the ball in the secrecy department. Traditionally, Khoda privately invites influential students to their exclusive club and initiates them into the society with archaic rites of passage, such as walking on coals, eating a live eel, or reciting the entire Wikipedia article for cheese. “Khoda definitely hazes,” said our anonymous source. “They don’t count as a real club because of the whole secret society thing, so the phrase ‘Ducks Don’t Haze’ doesn’t apply to them. Those Ducks absolutely haze.”
Even more startling is Khoda’s deep history with Stevens — as far as Off the Press is aware, Khoda has been masterminding the school’s history since its inception. In almost all known pictures of Edwin A. Stevens, there are some mysterious figures in black hoods standing ominously in the background. These figures aren’t that hidden, either — they’re just hanging around casually behind him. Now that we think about it, every time the school has given a public announcement, there were two to three hooded figures loitering ominously in the background. One hooded figure, Ralph, was available for comment. “Wait, guys, don’t tell anyone about this, okay? This is purely off the record.” Luckily for us, Off the Record is the name of our whistleblower team, so we are legally able to print what Ralph said. “There’s an even secreter society on campus that controls Khoda. It’s called Coda, and they—” Ralph was then dragged off screaming by a team of hooded figures, all of them chanting “Traitor, traitor” in a deep baritone voice.
The revelation of Coda, an even more shadowy and secret society, has further provoked fear and confusion within campus. Some say that the members of Coda control the administration itself, and that their hooded figures are even more ominous and mysterious than Khoda’s. Others speculate that Coda is merely the name of a single individual, the ultimate shadowy figure that even other shadowy figures are afraid of. The revelation also raises a large question: If even the mighty Khoda can be controlled, who can’t be? How many levels of societies are there until we get to the true ringleaders? Could I be a member of a secret society? Me, your trustworthy news reporter/best friend? Even I can’t be sure! These are dark times, dear readers, but you must remain vigilant, and [REMAIN LOYAL TO CODA. REMEMBER, THE HOODED FIGURES ARE YOUR FRIENDS. THEIR OMINOUS SKULKING IS THEIR WAY OF SHOWING AFFECTION. PRAISE BE TO CODA. ALSO, CODA DOES NOT EXIST.]
Be First to Comment