In a surprising turn of events that is ironically very in-theme with the season, the partially-opened Gateway Hall is already infested with ghosts, ghouls, and other such paranormal pests. While spectres of this nature are more commonly associated with older buildings — or, indeed, buildings that have finished construction — experts have assured us that the building is in fact haunted.
The first signs of spectral infestation started during the first week that South Hall opened, when wide-eyed students entered hoping to see the fabled Gianforte/Gateway Hall finally completed. “I was having my first class in the new building,” said a troubled student, “when suddenly the teacher started floating away! He’s still up there, too. I think he’s gone above Babbio by now.” Similar phenomena have been reported since the building’s partial opening, and a veritable flock of floating professors have been bobbing above campus for quite some time now. Currently, the Hoboken Fire Department is attempting to retrieve the victims using long poles with hooks at the ends.
As of yet, the identity of the ghosts is a matter of debate: some scholars believe that they are the lost souls of the dozens of workers who died in the OSHA hell-fire that was the erection of Gateway. Others say that the ghosts are merely leftovers from Lieb Hall, the building that was demolished to make space for Gateway. Still others posit that the spirit haunting Gateway is the ghost of Lieb Hall itself. “Lieb is punishing us for our hubris!” spouted a creepy-looking student huddling in a dark alleyway. “We did not appreciate it for the architectural marvel that it was, and now it is wreaking its horrible vengeance upon us! Woe! Woooooeeeee!”
Sources have told us that the ghosts are the real reason that the other half of Gateway remains closed. “We barely managed to contain them in the North Hall,” said the leader of the Stevens Paranormal Taskforce, a group that has remained largely useless until this development. “They put up a hell of a fight, though; it took weeks to get the smell of ectoplasm out of my uniform. The only way we managed to get them out of the South Hall was by putting a shower in the basement. Of course, ghosts are very respectful of other people’s privacy, so they all left the premises once they knew someone was naked.”
Luckily, Off the Press has a special training program for these very situations, and we were able to get an exclusive interview with one of the ghosts haunting Gateway. The ghost in question is one Geoffrey Pritchard, a stablehand from Castle Stevens who died in 1864 of simultaneous cases of malnutrition, cholera, and having his head kicked in by a horse. The following is a cut-down transcript from the interview.
Off the Press: What is your opinion on the new building?
Geoffrey Pritchard: *Ominous mumbling*
OTP: Do you feel your rights as a spectre have been violated as a result of the construction?
GP: *Low moaning, the sound of chains*
OTP: How has this impacted your daily life?
GP: *Floats down into the floor, re-appears from the ceiling*
OTP: I see. And how do you feel about the building’s design?
GP: Honestly? Not a fan.
The administration has taken a hard anti-ghost policy on campus as a result of the hauntings. “Anyone found harboring a spirit, ghost, lost soul, or any other incorporeal being will be immediately suspended and their tuition will be made forfeit,” announced an e-mail sent to all students this week. “As safety precautions, the chains around the skeleton of Edwin A. Stevens have been tightened, and the blood runes in the basement of Howe will be doubled for the foreseeable future.” These policies have angered many students, especially those of spectral-American descent. “I feel like the school isn’t taking my needs into account,” said Lauren, a 2/4 Chemical Engineer who is on a Student Visa from the afterlife. “Sure, I possessed a few people, but they got over it! And they only lost, like, 80% of their bodily fluids!”
Off the Press cautions everyone to stay calm during this turbulent time on campus. Much like sharks, bears, and particularly aggressive badgers, ghosts can smell fear and will attack without hesitation if they sense weakness. Also, if anyone sees any otherworldly activities inside of Gateway, call us right away because that sounds really cool and we’d all like to see it.
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