Construction seems to have always been an issue on campus. A quick search of “Construction Notice” in my Snevets inbox instantly yielded ~80 results, and this is reflected all across campus. The construction of the Giantfore Family Academic Center by the River apartments, the destruction of Hayden and Jacobus, the destruction of the Gatehouse, the list goes on. With all the construction sites currently plaguing Snevets’ campus, it comes as no surprise to anyone that the administration has announced the start of yet another construction project. The goal this time? Increasing the width of all doorways on campus.
Some of you may be initially confused by this. Well, fret not, my fellow tiny-brained individuals, for my minuscule brain was also perplexed at the first mention of this. That is, until a gracious and compassionate Pinnacle Scholar lifted the metaphorical blindfold from my eyes, and showed me the true light that be. In an interview with this unnamed Pinnacle Scholar, I asked why the doorways needed to be widened, to which she responded, “⏁⊑⟒ ⎅⍜⍜⍀⌇, ⏃⌇ ⏁⊑⟒⊬ ☊⎍⍀⍀⟒⋏⏁⌰⊬ ⌇⏁⏃⋏⎅, ⏃⍀⟒ ⌇⟟⋔⌿⌰⊬ ⎎⏃⍀ ⏁⍜⍜ ⌇⋔⏃⌰⌰ ⎎⍜⍀ ⍜⎍⍀ ☌⟟☌⏃⋏⏁⟟☊, ☍⋏⍜⍙⌰⟒⎅☌⟒-⎎⟟⌰⌰⟒⎅ ⏚⍀⏃⟟⋏⌇.” (Note: This is not an error. As I was typing the quote from this god-like student, I looked up at my screen and realized that the words weren’t in any known tongue. My computer simply could not handle the ancient tongue that is spoken amongst the Pinnacles. Here is a rough paraphrasing: “The doorways, as they currently stand, are simply far too small for our gigantic, knowledge-filled brains.” The rest of the quotes from the student will be portrayed through my feeble paraphrasing, but I felt that it was important to include this anecdote as somewhat of a praise to the almighty power of the student, out of fear that she may one day strike me down. I can’t say I’m surprised that this happened though. As the words from the student hit my ears during the interview, it was not unlike the scene from Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark, where they finally open the Ark and their faces melt off. Yes, very similar in fact. Well, anywho). She continued, “I mean, it honestly isn’t a huge deal. We don’t actually have much use for most buildings on campus. We already have the total knowledge of the entire universe, so we don’t need the academic buildings, and we’ve also simply evolved to the point where our bodies are 100% self-sufficient, which eliminates any need for food or water from the dining locations.” It was at this point that, in an instant, I was knocked completely unconscious, and entered some sort of ethereal plane of existence…but yet I could still hear her voice. I believe that this was possibly through her telepathic powers, which as we all know, is one of the many perks that comes with being admitted into the Pinnacle Scholars Program. It felt like I was in there for 300 lifetimes, but when I came to, it was as if nothing had changed. She said in her final statement, “The only building that we really have any use for is Howe. We absolutely adore bowling.”
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