Ever since the beginning of Pierce Dining Hall, people have been trying to discover the sole reason why the food served at Stevens is blander than a modern-day Disney Channel sitcom. Finally, after months of research, the true reason was discovered by Dr. Archie Ologist, who by looking at all the evidence, was able to create a story about what really happened.
Many years ago, at the beginning of the earth, there was a giant fight between two dinosaurs: a Tyrannosaurus Rex and a Pterodactyl. In the ensuing battle, something occurred that completely altered the course of history forever: The Tyrannosaurus Rex kicked a small rock. Now, the size of the rock combined with the force of the large dinosaur’s kick caused it to accelerate to such a velocity that it was able to travel in time all the way to 3000 C.E.
In that era, humans started living on the planet Gnortsmralien due to being able to live peacefully with the local aliens that lived there. A little alien boy named Ted was catching nearby stars with his net when all of a sudden, the rock flew into Ted’s net. Now, the energy of the stars combined with the material elements caused it to create a giant explosion, scaring the pants off of Ted, and causing him to land on a nearby cactus. Ted screamed so loudly in pain that it caused Gnortsmralien’s moon to crack, split up, and drift apart.
With the moon now in two pieces, everyone living there discovered ice cream located in the moon’s core. Everyone went to the moon to get a taste of the newly discovered ice cream. However, a little human girl named Abigail got her spoon stuck in the ice cream. She pulled, and she pulled, but the spoon still got stuck. Finally, Abigail tied the spoon to a rocket with some rope to try to get it out, but the spoon was so stuck that the rope ended up breaking, and the rocket flew away, going so fast that it was able to travel in time all the way back to the 1870s.
It traveled to a newly established town in Texas known as Rainstorm Valley. An infamous bandit known as Al Havalargefriesandacoke discovered the rocket. After a week of testing it out, he used it in his latest scheme: kidnapping the town’s mayor, Mayor Maynot. As the mayor was strutting in town, he was swooped into the sky by Al on his newly discovered rocket. While screaming for help, the mayor’s monocle fell from the sky onto a horse. A nearby cat was curious about the monocle and jumped on the horse to look at it, accidentally scratching it in the process. This caused the horse to kick a lantern into a shed of dynamite. Luckily, a local cowgirl named Jazz Music noticed this and leaped onto the shed to blast her into the sky to save the mayor and stop Al. During the awards ceremony to congratulate Jazz, she started to feel a bit nervous and sweaty. She wiped the sweat off her face, but accidentally flung it all the way to a forest in France.
In the forest lived sad elves who had bland food every day. However, the sweat fell onto a nearby rock, causing it to crack and the elves to discover a wonderful spice to flavor their meals, making the elves happy. This upset a local witch, who used the dwarves’ misery to create magic spells. Therefore, she created a magic powder to eradicate the spice forever and make the dwarves miserable again. However, the wind accidentally blew the magic powder away, causing it to travel around the world for several years before landing on the Pierce Dining Hall when it first opened. And that is why Pierce’s food is always bland.
