Encouraged by the popularity of the new Stevens Shuttles, the administration has announced they will “launch” a series of upgrades to convert them into Stevens Space Shuttles. Some of these shuttles will continue service to popular destinations like Shipyard and the train station, as well as unpopular ones like Gateway North. Others will enable trips to new destinations like the ISS, the Moon, and Venus, although trips to Venus will be reserved for graduate students doing research and Pinnacle Scholars.
We had a chance to watch a test flight from Babbio to Shipyard over the break. It was really something to watch how fast the concrete melted beneath the engines as the shuttle took off. A chemical engineer on our team explained that the heat from the exhaust must have heated the pavement to its melting temperature, then overcame its heat of fusion which turned it into a liquid, but he was a nerd. After taking off too many oohs and aahs from our editors, the shuttle was lost to sight as it climbed higher into the air, which made us question the efficiency of going several miles into the air to go less than one mile horizontally. Nevertheless, we had time to walk over to the Shipyard to be there in time for the shuttle’s landing. It took the entire length of Hudson Street for the shuttle to come to a stop after it touched down at Shipyard, and the weight alone probably caused a few water main breaks along the way, but our editor who was on board had nothing but positive things to say about the ride once he walked the twelve blocks back to us.
“That was really exhilarating and definitely something I want to do when I’m in a hurry to get to a class or test,” he said, struggling to take off his flight suit. “It passed in an instant cause I blacked out, and when I came to we were already back on the ground.” He was unable to remove his flight suit though, so that’s who was wearing the bright red jumpsuit around campus this week.
As for the missions to space, you’ll be able to call a quick trip to the moon whenever you need to by using the app, but space suits are not provided so it won’t be safe to get off the shuttle. After a couple of test flights over the break, it seems the most practical thing to do is use it to go to the sunny side of the moon and get some bonus daylight time, in case the daylight savings bill doesn’t go through Congress. Or in case you’re against a consistent clock schedule that doesn’t switch back and forth faster than alternating current.
Off the Press is going to use the Stevens Space Shuttles to help establish a moon base to get a better overview of the campus from 1.3 light seconds away which we think will really increase our ability to monitor campus activities. Also, we will be selling tours because this is a very expensive endeavor and our endowment ran out four years ago.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
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