On Thursday, we here at Off the Press had the chance to catch up with one Stevens student who was very excited to “watch the Super Bowl this Sunday,” adding that it was the first time in his life his beloved Cincinnati Bengals were playing in it and he wouldn’t miss it for the world. After establishing that fans of the Bengals do exist and some of them live in the area, and of those a small fraction (literally just this one guy) go to Stevens, we dug more into his backstory.
“I was born in Krucpool, became an assassin, joined the Guild, and went on a quest to Illidef, and then-” was as far as he got before we were able to deduce that he was talking about his Dungeons and Dragons (DnD) character. Our journalists prefer to cut straight to the hard-hitting questions like, ‘what’s your major?’ and ‘how many shoulders do you have?’ It should be noted though that after we covered the main subject, we did spend several hours discussing the DnD campaign and giving him advice on how to handle the quest for Shonru’s lock now that they’ve procured the key without the Guild knowing.
After establishing Bengals Fan’s chemical engineering major status and shoulder count of three (left, right, and one for shouldering the burden of the human existence (double parentheses here, he was very existential)) we asked some very delicately worded questions about what he was doing on the night of February 13, 2022, from 6:30 to 9:00 p.m. “I was so busy doing all this work so I’d have all of this weekend free to get excited and watch the game. I wrote two essays, solved a Bernoulli differential equation without a tutor, did like three online homeworks…” Honestly, the list of accomplishments was very impressive; we didn’t know it was possible to design statistical models for weird processes while also interviewing for a summer internship. Now that our editors looked it over, we also are glad we aren’t interviewing for a company that wants to hold interviews on Sunday nights. We also mentioned that he should be careful about the timing of the internship based on John’s mishap last week.
Eventually, there was nothing for it. We simply had to disclose to this poor man that he had missed his favorite team play in the Super Bowl for the first time in a very long time (we couldn’t be bothered to check exactly how long). We were going to have to tell him that they lost. It was all over for him. He blew it. What a blunder. A complete embarrassment. The utter humiliation. So we did. Our interviewer said, with a paternal inflection, “Son, the Super Bowl was last week and the Bengals lost.” At this point, our reporter’s pen ran out of ink so we have no idea how he replied.
Off The Press is a satirical Opinion column written and organized by Off Center, often used to joke about current Stevens issues and campus news. It is currently organized by Off Center President, Matthew Brantl.
Be First to Comment