To start off this article, we know that a lot of our dear readers must be getting [trigger warning] sick and tired of hearing about all the news about the current extinction-level event that has brought a beleaguered world to its knees, colloquially known as “Coronavirus.” Know that we here at Off the Press understand and sympathize with your complaints, and also know that we will summarily ignore those complaints because literally nothing else is happening right now and also the Stute will take my second-born child if I don’t finish an article this week. So please, allow us this brief foray into Coronavirus territory [read: everywhere] so I can keep little baby Newsley.
In an inexplicable plot twist that would’ve reduced Shakespeare’s writings to little more than the results of a monkey pounding on a typewriter, had both typewriters and monkeys been invented in Shakespeare’s time, the various performing arts clubs on campus are continuing to operate despite the general evacuation and absolute devastation left on campus in the wake of COVID-19. “We can’t let Coronavirus stop the pursuit of art,” said a member of the Stevens Dramatic Society, SDS, with a visible glimmer in their eye. “Now, more than ever, is the time to get a bunch of people, cram them into a confined space, and subject them to the wonders of theater for hours on end!” SDS has performed several shows since the outbreak of COVID-19, including renditions of The Masque of the Red Death, Plague! The Musical, and Cats, to mixed critical response. The audiences for these events have been predictably small: during the Saturday matinee of Fiddler on the Roof, the only witnesses to Tevye’s impassioned yet clearly under-rehearsed singing were two wayward pigeons and a local orphan who had accidentally wandered into DeBaun. “It was pretty good,” said the orphan when asked for comment. “Although I felt that the meaning of the piece might have been lost on the actors, and the choreography was uninspired at best.” The orphan then put on a pair of sunglasses and flapped an absurdly long scarf around their face before sashaying into the sunset.
SDS has also experimented with online shows, but the effect just isn’t the same. We sent our theater review subsidiary, Off Broadway, to review SDS Presents: Zoom the Musical, but the critic we sent was too comfy in their bunny onesie and fell asleep during the performance. The critic was only able to write down “The characters are—” before drooling all over the paper and mumbling incoherently with their microphone still on, much to the annoyance of the actors. “They ruined my third act soliloquy!” said an actress angrily putting on fake eyelashes that had all of the subtlety of a Boeing 747 wearing really bad fake eyelashes. “How is Francine supposed to realize that her lover of 45 years is actually a penguin if someone’s talking about paper plates in the background! Not to mention the scene where the penguin runs off with Francine’s sister!” Further interviews with the cast of Zoom the Musical have failed to provide a satisfactory synopsis for the show.
Additionally, #1 rated club for 34 years in a row and cover for Handsomest Clubs Weekly, Off Center, has continued to produce their gut-bustingly hilarious comedy shows, so as not to deprive the world of their shining light during these troubling times. “We just felt that we owe the community a debt,” said a chiseled, tall drink of water that was a typical example of an Off Center member. “After all, we’re nothing without our audience,” they finished in an example of such total humility that the reporter immediately gave them $200 for the privilege of simply speaking to them.
Off the Press has long been a supporter of the arts, ever since our collective youth growing up in turn-of-the-century New York as background characters in Disney’s Newsies. While none of our staff will dare step foot on campus for fear of having our bones liquified and blood solidified due to Coronavirus, we will continue to appreciate these clubs’ tenacity from a respectable distance and behind several blast-proof barricades.
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