Foreword: This article was initially meant to be published on Valentine’s Day, but, unfortunately, The Stute deemed our column unworthy of mental health week, presumably because the truths that we always aim to portray with the utmost accuracy would potentially be too grave to include within a newspaper that was meant to convey exclusively positive messages. From not just Off the Press, but on behalf of all of Off Center comedy club, we understand completely that our subject matter may be too serious for people to be able to innocently enjoy and maintain their mental health by reading. Now, with the formalities out of the way, please pretend that you’re reading the following article a week ago, on the day of love itself.
For those of you who will be spending this Valentine’s Day with their partner(s), we at Off the Press would like to remind you to practice safe sex.
To the remaining one hundred percent of our readers, we’ve prepared some hot tips to ensure that you never have to spend another Valentine’s Day alone (unless this happens to be your first Valentine’s Day, in which case, aren’t you a little young to be reading this?).
To get some thorough industry insight, we interviewed local love guru and general hunk Dixon Gerald Spawt. Spawt had some incredible tips to instantly make anyone fall madly in love with you, other than the ones everyone already knows and we therefore won’t even bother going into here.
1. The Air Of Mystery
Nothing will get someone crazier about you than the need to know more of your story. According to Spawt, “It’s human nature to want what you can’t have. I should know. I’ve always wanted to know why people laugh when they hear my name, but they never tell me why! For example, when I moved up here just last year, I applied for a New Jersey driver’s license, and they rejected my application because they thought ‘Spawt, Dixon G.’ was a joke name! Seriously, what’s so funny about Dixon G. Spawt?”
This struck a note with our reporter, Ferdinand Shiddin, who started crying so much we had to send in a second reporter to finish the interview while the two of them held each other in a mutually supportive hug the entire time.
2. Love Letters
It’s tried, it’s true, it’s somewhat cliché, which is why anyone would be surprised should you actually be bold enough to do it. Keeping with the theme of being mysterious from the first tip, it’s best to make them wonder who sent the letter, signing it with something like, “—Your secret admirer,” or, “—Definitely not me, Jeffery.”
Naturally, if they recognize your handwriting, then any attempt you made at anonymity will be null and void. To avoid this, you can type your love message, but Mr. Spawt warns against this, citing it as appearing disingenuous. To make it truly heartfelt, he advises that, instead, you should do something that takes a long time in order to form your love memo, such as cutting letters from various different magazines and putting them together on a piece of paper that you somehow managed to get on their nightstand even though the door was locked. A sample opening line to really hook the interest of your love-receptacle-to-be: “If you ever want to see your heart again, come to the following address at 11:30 pm…”
These were just a few of the tips that D. G. Spawt had prepared for us. Normally, this would be where we would provide a link to the extended article online with the rest of the tips included in it, but, unfortunately, these were the only ones that our reporters could remember due to having been so deeply enamored by Spawt’s dreamy mahogany eyes and flowing shoe-polish black hair.
On an unrelated note, the two reporters involved with this article have not been seen since the day of the interview. Although these are only rumors, and this column deals EXCLUSIVELY with nothing but facts, we have heard tell of recent Dixon Gerald Spawt sightings with him mumbling something in regards to “two new additions to his collection.” We at Off the Press swear to work tirelessly (during normal business hours, of course) to check the accuracy of these rumors, hopefully in time for next Valentine’s Day. Please be sure to immediately report any sightings to 1-800-EAT-DIX (that’s EAT as in Extremely Active Tracking, DIX as in short for Dixon).
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