In a remarkable turn of events, made all the more so by the fact that there were no events to turn nor be remarked upon, absolutely nothing of consequence occurred since our last article. That’s right, literally nothing of any importance has happened for several weeks, and we are starting to freak out. Only because we are contractually obligated, Off the Press is releasing this pseudo-article to alert you of this non-event. We hope that our readers will somehow manage to glean some semblance of information from this otherwise useless bit of journalistic desperation. Believe us, the team is just as surprised as you are — as beings constructed of pure journalism and unbridled truth, we are shaken to our very core to not have any news to report to our fine readers. Our top-notch researchers have scoured every source of news they could: birthday lists, man-on-the-street pieces, even cute animals doing funny things. Unfortunately, none of these panned out: no one was born recently, the street was temporarily closed to reporters, and Jeremy, our animal correspondent, is allergic to dogs. So if anyone is really to blame for this journalistic disaster, it’s Jeremy.
Now, a number of our more skeptical readers might be under the false assumption that something, in fact, happened since our last article. These people, dear readers, are wrong. While they may in fact think that something newsworthy or even mildly interesting occurred to them, this is unfortunately not the case. Believe us, we desperately wish that something had happened that we could write an article about, and we would take any event, no matter how small or inconsequential, to satisfy our pangs of journalistic hunger. As much as we would wish otherwise, literally nothing of any amount of importance happened, and anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or delusional. While we’re sure that the edition of The Stute for whatever godforsaken week this article will be published will contain a fair number of important and high-quality news stories, unfortunately these articles will all be complete fabrications, as, of course, there has to be something newsworthy for news to be written about it.
We will now take this time in the article to mention some honorable mentions of — we hesitate to call them “events,” and even “occurrences” is too strong a word — things that happened during the week that might qualify as something important if only they were much more important. This is partly to fill out our mandated amount of words required by the Stute and partly because the entire Off the Press staff will suffer debilitating migraines if they don’t report on something. The list is as follows: our producer Emily kicked a small rock that was in her way as she walked in front of Burchard. Our intern Marshall saw a flock of geese fly above his head and wondered about how they did that for about 25 minutes before continuing with his day. Jeremy discovered that he was allergic to dogs, which was rather unfortunate. Somewhere in the world, a penguin was saddened to learn that their wings are largely decorational. A baby learned to walk for the first time, and then immediately forgot how. The Earth kept spinning, the seasons continued — damn, how did nothing happen this week? Really? And we’ve even been off for a while, so there was even more time for something to happen! Nothing! I can’t believe it!
Off the Press would like to offer an official apology on behalf of the lack of news coverage this week, and we can only offer the meager explanation that literally nothing happened as our defense. We pray that something will happen within the next week and we desperately hope that we’ll be able to report on it.
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