In a wonderful turn of events that has revived our faith in the electoral system, two students with hearts of gold and jawlines of steel — noted legislator Brandon Seidman and famous statesman Simon Pepa — are currently running for SGA President and Vice President of Operations, respectively. This is truly an amazing opportunity that should inspire any patriotic student to get out and vote for them.
Brandon Seidman was born in rural Staten Island to a destitute family. Having to share only three shoes and five teeth between his twelve-person family growing up, his humble origins belie the fiery spirit of stewardship that burns fiercely within him. When he was just five years old, little baby Seidman produced a 700 page bill that would have reworked the entire American financial system had toddlers been allowed admittance into Congress. As it was, Seidman’s masterwork of financial and political ideas was pinned to the fridge, right next to his crayon drawing of stick-figure George Washington crossing the Delaware. Since then, Seidman has continued to crank out a number of groundbreaking, innovative policies that would fundamentally change our government, and the Senate has continued to ignore his calls. Now, with one eye set on the horizon and another eye focusing on his own version of the Declaration of Independence, Seidman is ready to take the reins of the SGA and lead us to a brighter future.
Simon Pepa, that ruggedly handsome so-and-so, is a force to be reckoned with on both the debate and dance floors. A seasoned veteran of over 20 military conflicts — including both World Wars, the American Revolution, and the War of the Austrian Succession — Pepa is more than capable of withstanding the blows of governance. Pepa has mastered the art of statesmanship from his time as a young Connecticut senator when he instituted a number of fantastic and inspired bills, each and every one of which is framed in the Hartford Courthouse and constantly fanned with overly large leaves by attendants. Under his vigilant administration, crime went down by 12,000%, revenue increased by 25,000%, and paintings of small puppies in rain boots skyrocketed to 10,000 times that of pre-Pepa conditions. No ribbon remained uncut nor baby’s forehead unkissed during Pepa’s tenure, a standard that he will maintain during his time as Vice President.
“Both of these candidates look perfectly suited for the job,” you might say energetically, “I can hardly imagine ever voting for anyone else! And you described them so artfully and with such style! But what are their policies?” To that, we say thank you for noticing the amount of effort we put into our articles, but also that they have a number of policy proposals in the works that they would implement when, not if, they are elected. “We plan to make some big changes,” said Seidman while effortlessly lifting a 150 lb weight with one hand, “I can’t get into all of the details right now, but I’d recommend taking a picture of Howe soon before it’s gone forever.” Pepa, who had been painting a photo-realistic depiction of Seidman’s Herculean physique, agreed. “We have a bunch of new policies to implement,” he said, adding a final stroke of paint that really brought the whole piece together. “The one I’m most excited about is our new Robot Butler Initiative for campus. Essentially, every student will get a small robot…” Our reporter then got lost looking into Pepa’s mesmerizing baby blue eyes and didn’t catch the rest of the statement, but it sounded amazing.
Of course, as the primary media source on campus, the Stute cannot give an official opinion on the candidates for the presidential election. Fortunately, Off the Press has no such obligation to the public, and as such can influence people’s political opinions at will. Therefore, it is with the utmost seriousness that all of us at Off the Press heartily endorse the Seidman-Pepa ticket from the bottom of our collective hearts. If you love your school, your country, or literally anything else, you should definitely vote for them.
Note: The opinions of Off the Press are our own and are not necessarily shared by the Stute, although if they knew the candidates they would agree with us.
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