Riots have broken out after students realized that pornographic websites, the cornerstone of our democracy — indeed, any democracy — have been banned on Stevens WiFi. The change was discovered 20 minutes after students moved into campus housing, and boy are they mad about it. Petitions, protests, and ceremonial burnings of effigies representing a generic Stevens official have occurred all over campus, with sexually-frustrated students practically storming Howe to demand what they so rightfully deserve.
The change came as a surprise to many students, who did not feel like this was an issue that warranted such drastic action. “I don’t know what they were trying to do,” mused one student. “It’s not like people are watching this stuff in the middle of class or anything. Well, there was that one guy, but he’s always been kind of weird. And he usually stays in the back of the class anyway, which I guess is cool of him.” The change most affects students living on campus, who have to use the school’s WiFi to access the internet. “This is madness!” said one particularly outspoken freshman making wild hand motions. “This is supposed to be an institution of learning! How can they foist their Puritanical notions onto us without our consent? What’s next, banning work on Sundays? Burning witches?” The student continued to rant long after our reporter awkwardly mumbled about needing to check on his cooking and slowly backed out of the room.
The change is not without its benefits, however. Productivity on campus has risen by as much as 50%, proving the old adage, “Idle hands may be the devil’s workshop, but hands without access to porn pretty much just get on with their day.” Surely, truer words have never been spoken and then repeated endlessly throughout the ages. Some avid adult-film consumers have reported a noticeable opening of their schedules ever since they no longer had access to porn. “It feels weird having all this time to myself,” one anxious student confessed. “What am I supposed to do with myself all day? Read books?”
An illegal ring of smugglers has cropped up in response to the untapped market that has appeared as a result of the ban. Opportunist criminals with access to pornographic videos are allegedly printing every individual frame of the video and binding them together with arts-and-crafts materials to create crude flipbooks, which are then sold on the school’s black market for inordinate amounts of DuckBills. “It’s not really the same,” one customer commented on the black market’s Facebook Marketplace. “But I guess it’s the best we have. Keep up the good work!” Rumors have circulated that Attila the Duck, the school’s lovable yet substance-abusing mascot, is the functioning ringleader for these smugglers. Unconfirmed reports of maniacal quacking from deep below the bowels of Howe only add credence to these rumors.
When asked about the reason for this change, a Stevens official said, “What? No, they’re not,” looked something up on their phone, and then dashed worriedly out of the room. A muffled argument could be heard from the other side of the door that they had exited from, including several angry insults about the other person’s mother. After a few minutes, the official returned, breathing heavily. “As of now, the administration is not releasing the purpose for the porn ban,” the official said. “Believe us, this change was entirely necessary and please stop asking us about it. Please.”
Well, I don’t know about you readers, but we at Off the Press will not, can not, stand idly by while our rights are being so flagrantly stripped away from us, like that time I wasn’t allowed to take a lollipop from the bank even though I was making a transaction. A tech school being hacked and losing access to its digital services is one thing, but that same school turning around and tearing away our most valued possession from our grasps? Off the Press has some choice words for whomever came up with this change, and we can tell you right now that one of those words is going to be “The.”
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