The Hudson River has made a watershed, no-strings-attached donation to the Stevens Department of Naval Engineering of 10 million gallons of water. The Hudson River is, in geological terms, a drowned river, meaning that the rising sea levels from melting glaciers after the most recent ice age flooded the Hudson Fjord. Geologists estimate that this happened somewhere between 26,000 and 13,000 years ago, but the Hudson River refused to comment, saying, “You know it’s rude to ask a river her age.”
During the donation ceremony, the Hudson diverted her course for one minute, aiming at the tennis courts on the northern end of campus. The courts, along with the CPH parking lot, became covered with about 3 feet of water. Among the casualties were the tennis nets, a bucket of tennis balls that have since presumably floated to the Atlantic, the sea turtles that these tennis balls likely killed, and Dr. Patterson’s new pair of shoes that she accidentally left by the courts.
Although ten million gallons of water sounds impressive, it’s only about enough to fill six Olympic-sized swimming pools and only set off six car alarms (of the 34 that were parked in CPH lot during the donation). Much to the anger of the students and faculty whose cars got soggy, the Chief of Campus Police announced that, no, you can’t file lawsuits against the river and that, yes, they would have to file an insurance claim.
The Hudson donated the water in honor of her beloved children: more than 200 species of fish. The Hudson asked only that the new building be named after her, but after student outrage and careful administrative deliberation, Stevens was proud to announce the construction of a new Naval Engineering building: The Hudson River & Catfish & Atlantic Sturgeon & Lamprey & Dogfish & Bullhead & Chub & Perch & Butterflyfish & Sunfish & Bass & … Laboratory.
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