It’s a sad day on campus after sudden news that Attila, the lovable school mascot that has inspired hope and joy in countless children, has been arrested by Hoboken Police on St. Patrick’s Day after a gruesome rampage through the city, leaving dozens injured. According to witness reports, the foul fowl had partied a little too hard, going to over ten bars within an hour and drinking copiously at each establishment. “He was crazy,” said one barkeep that had witnessed Attila’s alcohol consumption. “He had this huge bag of crushed-up bread loaves with him; he would dunk the bread in vodka, let it soak for a bit, and then just go to town on it! Eventually, he ran out of bread, and I thought he would stop. Then he just pulled out another bag of bread! He drank half my stock in ten minutes!”
This is not the first time our lovable mascot has struggled with his alcohol addiction. Though it has shadowed him all his life, Attila’s alcoholism came to a head in 1975, when he held a summer blow-out party on the SS Stevens, the ship that had acted as a dormitory for the school at the time. The sounds of loud music, shouting, and incessant quacking could be heard for miles, with one partygoer describing the event as “a mosh pit of drugs, debauchery, and DuckBills.” When police officers arrived to break up the party, Attila panicked and separated the boat from its mooring, setting it loose onto the Hudson River. The party resumed for another four hours until police boats were able to stop the runaway craft, but not before Attila, on a high from a combination of grain alcohol and breadcrumbs, steered the SS Stevens directly into the supports of the George Washington Bridge, sinking the vessel in a matter of minutes. Police were able to successfully rescue everyone from the ship safely, and Attila was charged with vehicular neglect and destruction of property. Although the charges were dropped due to Attila not being human and therefore not subject to human laws, the whole affair left a black mark on Attila’s character and on the school as a whole.
It seems that Attila’s demons overcame him again this week, when his barhopping took a darker turn towards illicit drugs. “When I heard he was going to do cocaine, I was stunned,” said one of Attila’s groupies from St. Patrick’s Day. “He doesn’t even have a nose! But he just straight up ate the whole brick of coke! Chomped it down like it was a loaf of bread!”
It was at this point of the day that reports of Attila diverge. Every witness agrees that Attila ended up riding down Washington Street in an industrial-sized bulldozer, but no one seems to know where he got it. That’s right: in a coked-up rampage, Attila the Duck somehow commandeered a bulldozer and drove it through the city. While humorous in theory, the reality was anything but. Dozens of people were injured by the large machine, either by the bulldozer itself or by the debris it flung around. Witnesses have reported Attila picking up cars with the dozer and hurling them into the sidewalk, causing serious damage to passersby as well as storefronts. Eventually, order was restored after the Hoboken PD managed to coerce Attila off his death machine with a bag of potato chips and a raspberry scone. Without their quick thinking, the further damage he could have caused is unthinkable.
Attila was promptly taken into custody, where he is currently waiting for his trial next week. In total, he is being accused of no less than twenty-seven different crimes, including public drunkenness, reckless endangerment, gambling, attempted tax fraud, and the unlawful possession of a raccoon. Authorities have assured us that this web-footed menace is no longer a threat, but to be on the lookout for any more anatidae antics.
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