A recent cyber attack has left the school defenseless, as a malicious phishing scam inexplicably infected hundreds of student e-mail accounts despite the fact that the school literally teaches classes to prevent this sort of thing from happening. Many students, upon opening e-mails from supposed friends and contacts, instead unleashed a devastating computer virus that has brought nearly all electronic devices on campus to a sudden and grinding halt. Smart phones, laptops, and particularly expensive microwaves are among the victims of this attack, leading to a sharp decline in fire alarms on campus as popcorn production approaches zero. The full extent of the damage is unknown, but the administration has assured students that everything is fine. “At this time, we can neither confirm nor deny the existence of an unregulated nuclear power plant located directly under campus,” one official said in a press conference. “And, supposing that this hypothetical power plant does exist, whether or not the recent cyber attack has affected its core temperature is useless gossip and further questions are a waste of time.” For seemingly unrelated reasons, Stevens has started issuing hazmat suits, which students can pick up at the bookstore for $15.99.
The most devastating result of this computer virus is that it managed to find its way into President Farvardin’s personal computer, tempting the president with an e-mail that allowed him to win a free iPhone X. Like any sane human, he clicked the link, accidentally transferring the deed to the school to the hacker, a 25-year-old man living in Ukraine named Dimitri Kolba. Legally, these papers cannot be returned, and President Kolba has yet to make a public statement regarding the future of the school. Ex-President Farvardin is understandably peeved about the whole situation, saying in a public statement “Just to be clear: am I still getting an iPhone X? I already sold my old phone, and I’m out a few hundred dollars if he doesn’t deliver.”
The Cybersecurity Department is scrambling to explain how this breach occurred, though the entire affair has really reduced their morale. “That was, like, the one thing we were responsible for,” one member said in a private interview. “This has been the worst week ever: on top of the whole virus thing, I was supposed to get a free iPhone X in the mail three days ago, but it never came. So, I’m feeling pretty bad right now.” Investigations into the attack are still ongoing, though Cybersecurity is feeling increasingly unsure if they can find the weakness in the system.
As always, Off the Press strives to use its platform for the betterment of the school. If any student receives a suspicious e-mail, even from a known contact, DO NOT OPEN IT. To be entirely safe, carefully place your device onto the street before smashing it with a sledgehammer to ensure the safety of your documents. Everyone should constantly be aware of the dangers computer viruses pose, and must prepare accord64feuorbv3butg4=-f2 r 24g24g [ERROR]
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