Pandemonium broke out last week when three pipes burst in the McLean building, forcing the building to close for the rest of the day. Crack investigators have determined that the reason for this tragedy was that someone had left a window open in a lab, causing the pipes to reach critically low temperatures. The results, as expected of a building that is composed of approximately 85% sinks, were disastrous. Since then, it has been revealed that this act was not, in fact, a careless accident, but the first strike against the school by a serial criminal who plans to continue opening windows throughout campus at the expense of the school.
“We have not received any demands yet,” said a spokesperson for the campus police in a press release earlier this week, “But it’s clear that they want to send a message: last night, a window in the campus police office was left open, causing $17,000 worth of damages. I assure you, we are putting all of our resources into finding the culprit.” A special Window Crimes Division has been created by campus police to investigate the incident.
It is suspected that the removal of a piece of plywood covering a window in Howe is connected to the serial opener. Despite all two witnesses to the missing piece, no authorities were notified until it was too late. With the barrier removed, the constant windstorm that surrounds Howe was allowed free access to the interior, dropping the internal temperature of the building to what scientists believe is the closest to absolute zero that has ever been documented. By the time campus police arrived, five members of staff had frozen solid, and 17 were hospitalized for acute hypothermia. One witness described the temperature inside the building as “as if I had stepped onto the sun, except if the sun was cold instead of hot.”
Students have been urged to lock their windows closed for protection against this heinous criminal, even nailing them shut if possible. An emergency “window watch” has been deployed, where volunteers go around campus, looking into windows to make sure that they’re properly closed. This has been deemed “entirely necessary” and everyone is fine with it.
We at Off the Press are legally obligated to announce that if any student sees an open window on campus, they should immediately contact campus police after, obviously, closing it with extreme prejudice. A special hotline specifically for window-related calls has been set up, although Off the Press unfortunately does not have access to the number of the hotline at the moment; our best advice is to just keep calling random numbers until you find the right one. Secondary announcement: if anyone finds out the number to the window hotline, please let us know what it is.
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