In a surprising turn of events, the United States government has recently enacted new legislation to ban some of the most popular holidays that people like to celebrate: New Year’s Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Fourth of July, Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. But why? These holidays are practically a staple of American culture! To not include them would certainly be preposterous! Here are the reasons why these holidays are being banned.
New Year’s Day is being banned because, to some people, it is a harsh reminder that changes are coming each and every year. People who have been alive since the 1950s are sad about the way technology keeps updating, as typewriters become replaced by laptops, cordial telephones become replaced by cell phones, and how chalkboards are replaced by SMART boards. To stop reminding people that the world has been changing, New Year’s Day will be banned.
Valentine’s Day is being banned because some people are offended by the way hearts are portrayed on Valentine’s Day cards. The scientific community is appalled by the way that the hearts that are portrayed on the Valentine’s Day cards do not resemble the way actual hearts look. They believe that continuing to showcase the way hearts are portrayed on Valentine’s Day cards will lead to misinformation that will affect how people think about the way the heart actually works. For this reason, Valentine’s Day will be banned.
Easter is being banned because some people cannot spot the Easter Bunny. People have been disgusted by the way that, since childhood, they have never been able to spot the Easter Bunny since all of the giant bunnies they actually see around Easter usually tend to be people wearing funny costumes. They feel like not being able to see the Easter Bunny is a mockery of people who want to see the Easter Bunny. Because of this, Easter will be banned.
Fourth of July is being banned due to the fear that Fourth of July fireworks will attract alien life forms and encourage them to invade the world. People have been coming up with theories that the red, white, and blue from the Fourth of July fireworks are bright enough to be seen from other planets, and they are afraid that if life exists on other planets, the location of Earth will be revealed and aliens will come to invade us. For this reason, the Fourth of July is banned.
Halloween is being banned because people are mad that they are getting candy instead of free Nerf guns. People say Halloween is a time when people are supposed to get sweet treats, and what could be sweeter than a free Nerf gun? So, people are mad when others get candy, and being denied a free Nerf gun seems like a complete rip-off. For this reason, Halloween is being banned.
Thanksgiving is being banned because people are afraid that they will face a rebellion from their Thanksgiving dinner. People have started coming up with theories that food is gaining sentience, and are afraid that the turkey, the cranberry sauce, the mashed potatoes, and the pumpkin pie they love stuffing their faces with on Thanksgiving will come to life and get revenge on the people partaking in the feast. For this reason, Thanksgiving will be banned.
Christmas is being banned because people think Santa Claus is actually robbing houses. People notice that even though presents are brought, a large amount of money is stolen from the people whose houses that Santa visited. In addition, it seems like the toys that Santa ends up bringing are not as awesome as they are made out to be. For this reason, Christmas will be banned.
