So far this semester, Off the Press has been getting all kinds of wacky stories, from smart people taking over the world to discovering why Pierce food is bland and that the sky is blue, to stopping spies from other colleges and evil wizards, to celebrating Christmas with Atilla the Duck. But how exactly does Off the Press get all the stories that need to be told? What is the creative process that inspires The Stute to print out everything? For the first time ever (but certainly not the last), we are going to go through a heavily edited look at how Off the Press gets its stories.
First, our writers start by going on a canoe and rowing on the Hudson River, going out to the Atlantic Ocean to a small beach in Florida. Coincidentally, there is also a little zoo near that small beach where the writers go to collect a story. First, they go to an elephant. On the back of the elephant is a hippo. On the back of the hippo is an alligator. On the back of an alligator is a wolf. On the back of the wolf is a dog. On the back of the dog is a cat. On the back of the cat is a rabbit. On the back of the rabbit is a bird. On the back of the bird is a mouse. On the back of the mouse is a germ. On the back of the germ is an atom. On the back of the atom is a proton. The proton comes up with the stories and tells the atom, who tells the germ, who tells the mouse, who tells the cat, who tells the dog, who tells the wolf, who tells the alligator, who tells the hippo, who tells the elephant, who tells our writers. The writers then go back on their canoe and make their way back to the Stevens Institute of Technology.
After writing down the story on a piece of paper, our writers then cut the paper into little, itty bitty pieces and rearranged the paper to come up with a new story, which they wrote down on a new piece of paper. After that happens, the paper with the newly written story is soaked with a strange liquid consisting of water, ink, and Gatorade, further making the story hard to read. The writers try to decipher the story and write it down on another piece of paper. After that happens, the newly written piece of paper is then lit on fire until it burns up. This then causes the fire department to rush over and the police to arrest our writers. The writers are then taken to court, where they record the entire trial. After spending some time in jail, our newly rehabilitated writers then play the recording in reverse and try to write the reversed version down on paper.
But it is still not complete. The writers then translate the story into Spanish and then translate the Spanish version to French, and translate the French version into German, and translate the German version to Russian, and translate the Russian version to Japanese, and translate the Japanese version to Mandarin, and translate the Mandarin version to Hindi and translate the Hindi version to Arabic, and translate the Arabic version to Hebrew, and translate the Hebrew version to Greek, and translate the Greek version to Igbo, and translate the Igbo version to Dutch, and finally translate the Dutch version back to English. With all of the translations done, the story is finally completed and ready for publication, eager to await a wide range of fans.
