So far, there has been a sharp increase in the accumulating cold weather around our campus. Gone are the days of the warm summer sun, turning into a freeze-fest where goosebumps start popping out like jack-in-the-boxes as our bodies try to look for warmth. You might be wondering: it’s getting cold already? But the freezing temperatures aren’t due for 0.000000000000000000000001 milliseconds! What’s happening?
It’s clear that invisible sorcerers are responsible for this. According to The Stute’s famous and reliable investigative journalist, Totes Forreal, sorcery has been seeing a sharp increase in Stevens ever since people have been learning about the special Stevens magic that helps people succeed in life. Sorcerers have been trying to jump on the train of exploiting the Stevens magic for their own selfish benefit, and are starting by creating cold spells to create a lower temperature that students are forced to survive in. A closer look provides how sorcerers are able to create this cold weather: first, the sorcerers used the Stevens magic and combined it with the power of hate before adding three teaspoons of salt, four tablespoons of vinegar, and 10 green bottles hanging on the wall. After mixing well and adding a Diablo Sauce packet fresh from the local Taco Bell, an explosion occurred, and freezing temperatures mixed with the air, creating the cold temperatures all throughout Stevens.
It doesn’t stop there, either. According to Totes Forreal, the sorcerers are planning on creating more terrible spells to test the limits of their magic. First, they are planning on turning all the ice cream in the Pierce Dining Hall into shaving cream, as well as replacing all the toppings with droppings. Then again, the taste will most likely remain the same given how the ice cream already tastes. Second, inspired by the spies from other colleges (see the September 29, 2023 version of Off The Press), they are planning on infecting all the water fountains with an everlasting supply of Kayko in order to prevent any student from ever discovering their evil plans. Third, they are planning on making the entire campus fly through the air all over the world, going through places like Paris, Mumbai, Venice, Cairo, Tokyo, Rio de Janeiro, Tijuana, San Francisco, and even going as high as the moon. Fourth, they are planning on hacking every single computer at Stevens to play compilations of Jar-Jar Binks 24/7 in an effort to further lower the intelligence of Stevens students. Finally, they are planning on creating a mandatory test that all students have to attend on Christmas day, and if they lose even a single point, they lose all the credits they earned so far and have to start over again.
Thankfully, Totes Forreal also discovered their special weakness to all their wickedness: fun, determination, and spirit. The sorcerers hate resistance to their evil magic, which can be found in enjoying life to your fullest. Therefore, it is recommended that all students at Stevens have all the fun they could possibly have, show the utmost determination in life, and showcase the Stevens spirit any way that they can. In doing so, the sorcery will eventually stop, and all the sorcerers will live in the summer, bringing an end to their cold weather mayhem. So, don’t be afraid to show your Stevens spirit! Attend as many events as you can, and don’t let the midterms or upcoming finals stress you out, as you will do your best! With everyone’s fun, determination, and spirit, we will eventually be rid of those wicked sorcerers and we will find freedom from the freezing wind.
