I found myself questioning a lot of things over break. It’s quite easy for me to get distracted and hyper-fixate and re-realize how big the world is. When I was in high school I did not see the world half of the way I do now. I was an upbeat-art-focused kid in high school and dreaded anything that did not let me explore and be creative. Any sort of project got me excited and tests never failed to do the opposite. As I welcomed my nineteenth year on this planet, I had never felt so conflicted and confused. I never want to rush myself purposefully, but as an art major, I find myself needing to plan ahead. I packed my things getting ready to go back to my second semester and I noticed how different everything felt. It was like a secret was out and it made me experience this January in a different way. It was getting to me. It made me want a Linkedin.
Aging is a scary thing, but it happens and I find it funny how dramatic I will sound to my older self. January is already forced to be the month of change and bettering yourself so it’s a double whammy for being my birthday month too. For now, this sandwich of changes makes my life feel as if it’s at the part of the tape that feels like a slow-mo ah-ha zoom-out-on-me-in-third-person moment but with a completely different cast and everything’s in different colors. Being a kid is like a world revolving around you, meanwhile, its taste is made up of crayons, play dough, and bubbles. Now it’s a windy Hudson, breakfast sandwich, and reminding myself to not let myself dehydrate throughout the day. The drama film is back on and I am feeling like ignoring all the noticeable differences. It feels like a video game that has a list of things to do to win and all of the things are question marks. Turning nineteen feels like a rush of wanting to be up and going all the time, but I am the only one giving myself less room to be excited. Maybe being a couch potato is easier, and I miss my bed because of the mental exhaustion all this thinking has let out, but at the same time, I catch myself wanting to say yes to everything and being everywhere all at once. Being back I realized I just have to focus on saying yes to things I want to and that’s one step forward.
Respectfully, I just turned a different age and as much as the world makes it a scary thing to show signs of getting older, I am realizing how much time with yourself is important. And this is all that makes up adulthood. Without letting myself feel everything I would not have made more than half of my art pieces. Holding back is to blame and time waits for no one. Getting older is a funny thing in general, but as an artist I find myself wanting to make the most of things. Why should this be any different?
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