Due to a bug in the newly integrated Workday system, the Honor Board is now listed within Snevets’ system as being a Fraternity. This has had several unfortunate repercussions on the organization, including the loss of all female members and the hazing of new members.
After speaking with several members of the Honor Board, including Brothers on the Executive Council as well as Pledges, it is clear that the culture within the Board has taken a turn for the worse. “After we heard that we were a Fraternity, we asked ourselves, what are we supposed to do now?” says Honor Board Presidential Chair, Nick Browser. “I knew we needed to make some big changes. I was on my weekly phone call with Dean Nilsen to plead with him to let us give stricter punishments, and that was when he informed me of the change. As soon as I got off that fateful phone call, I immediately removed all new members from our Slack and had our Treasurer buy 13 gallons of beer. Since we started so late in the semester, we needed to drink enough to make sure we would reach our beer-drinking quota. The entire Executive Board was drunk within minutes.”
Fortunately, it seems like the loss of female members did not affect typical functionality within the Eta Beta fraternity. When asked about how this change would affect the Board, one narc who wishes to remain anonymous stated, “Girls? Where? I didn’t think we had a mixer planned for today.”
The change also resulted in a distinct change in the Eta Beta new member process. New members were previously taught by the Vice Chair, but in the new system, Pledges are educated by liquor. “We were brought into a dark room in Babbio, and were each given a handle of vodka,” claimed one of their Pledges. “‘Drink this,’ they said, ‘We won’t let you out until you’re finished.’ Once we were about halfway finished, they returned with a stack of old homework assignments and said to ‘Find the one homework assignment out of these 300 that was plagiarized, and write a case study on why.’ We weren’t sure what plagiarism was, so we just Googled it and copied whatever was on there.”
Boozed up and having found the correct assignment, the pledges were then initiated in the traditional Eta Beta fashion. “We were in Babbio 420 when the Executive Council suspended normal meeting procedure. We were forced to submit Eta Beta violations on each member of our Pledge class and recite the Penalty Matrix from memory. Then they dumped around 2 tons of sand onto the floor and had us kneel and kiss the ground, and whisper ‘I promise to ceaselessly devote myself to the Eta Beta constitution, and to always rat on all my friends.’ Then they had us carry all the sand all over Hoboken and dump it in the Hudson.”
Unsurprisingly, the Eta Beta pledge process involves heavy quizzing. “They kept giving us these really difficult exams on things like ‘ethics’ and ‘values,’” claims another anonymous pledge, “but they left us alone while we took it, and all the answers were on Chegg, so we all passed. Eta Beta rules!”
Overall, Eta Beta plans to continue to serve the same function that it has in the past, with some slight changes. Browser requested that The Stupe share the new Eta System Pledge, which all students will be required to write on all their assignments going forward. The new pledge is as follows: “I drunkenly pledge on my booze that I have totally abided by the Snevets Eta System.” Students are advised to begin using this pledge instead as soon as possible, and several emails detailing this and other minor changes will be sent out to the entire student body soon.
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