Hello fellow Snevets students and friends. I am writing as the most recent addition to the senior class of 2022. Due to my stellar performance in CAL 103, I was selected for a super secret test trial of a new academic program. Since most of these newspapers are left unread on the racks, I feel comfortable talking about this exclusive program to the small audience who might happen to stumble upon an ancient copy of The Stupe in a landfill or rolling across the land that was once Snevets campus, once it inevitably breaks down due to lack of building repairs.
Basically, I am going to complete my entire undergraduate degree in 12 months thanks to the soon-to-be released 4-3 program. This will soon be replacing the 4+1 program, which was found to cause extreme depression in participants. Unfortunately, in order to complete graduation requirements in one fourth of the time, I do not have time to eat, sleep, or take deep breaths. When I have a few minutes between classes, I sprint to frat row and break into random houses so I can still say I had “the college experience.” Usually, I am forcibly removed in under two minutes, but that is fine because I need to get back to studying anyways. Does being dragged out by numerous frat boys count as dancing? I think so.
Anyway, even though I am a senior, that apparently doesn’t change the age on my driver’s license. I tried convincing the liquor store that I should be eligible for an exception because if I’m smart enough to take senior-level classes, then I deserve the chance to crack open a cold one with my peers on the weekends. The employees did not seem particularly interested in my argument. Perhaps they were not aware that being in the 4-3 program is exponentially more prestigious than being a lowly Pinnacle scholar or an elusive Clark scholar.
Speaking of elusive, can someone please get me in contact with Khoda?! I have been obsessively researching this group for the entirety of my time at Snevets and yet I still don’t understand what they do. I would love to join and reform the whole organization from the bottom to the top (any other High School Musical fans?). Who cares about tradition? This is the Innovation University where we keep updating things even if it doesn’t necessarily make them better (cough, cough, the WiFi). Also, please let me into Khoda ASAP, because I will be graduating in a few months and want to bask in the glory of being a member as long as possible.
The final thing I would like to discuss is the ice cream machine. Although it does not relate to anything I have discussed, it is a topic of great importance. In fact, the desire to have soft serve at Pierce might be the force that unites the entire student body. If you are a member of the small group who does not enjoy ice cream, please remove yourself from the campus immediately. If you have ever admitted to being a member of this group, a bus heading to NJIT will be picking you up shortly to bring you to your new campus.
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