With only 18 of the students from the incoming Class of 2016 and the co-op incoming Class of 2015 dropping out due to teenage pregnancy, the graduating Class of 2020 amounts to a whopping 721 students. 720 of these students are currently sitting alone in their rooms, waiting to graduate in less than a month, thinking, “What the heck am I supposed to do now???” However, I, part of the bottom third of the graduating Class of 2020, have it all figured out.
To lead a fulfilling life post-graduation, one must do five things.
1. Money
Let me spell it out simply. With a degree, you can get a job. With a job, you can get money. With money, you can get all sorts of things.
One of the things I am looking forward to acquiring with legally-acquired legal tender is 18 metric tons of sand. I will haul each individual grain of sand into my backyard (the sand will have been dumped into my and several of my neighbors’ front yards). I will construct a beach from this sand. I will personally duel any president and/or vice president of any HOA who tries to decree that I may not build my own beach. I am from Texas, so I believe in the Castle Doctrine, which means I can do anything I want on my property at any given time no matter what. Saying that I cannot build a beach on my own property is a violation of my First Amendment rights.
Additionally, I plan to acquire 15 dozen thermonuclear warheads. I will use these weapons to threaten the country of Bulgaria, which I have had a personal grudge against since the day I learned their residents, tragically, are not Beluga whales. If the president does not meet various demands, such as eating the entire moon in one bite without any water, I will personally carve their country out of the map. This will extend the Black Sea, giving Bulgaria back to the Beluga whales. I will use the sand I have left over from my backyard beach project to construct another beach around the border of the former Bulgaria.
Another thing I will use money to purchase is bread. I will use the bread to feed ducks that I see. Ducks are one of Stevens’ mascots (the other, of course, is the color gray), so feeding ducks will remind me of my carefree youth.
Feel free to take inspiration from any of these ideas.
2. Politics
What is the point of life without political intrigue? Due to being convicted of several minor, inconsequential felonies, I am tragically ineligible to run for government office. Thus, I will keep my politics to the office.
When I join a new company, within the first week, I will decide who to defame. I will quickly find a reason. Maybe they put two sugar packets in their coffee instead of one. Maybe they don’t drink coffee at all and they’re really uppity and pretentious about it. Maybe they try to coerce me into going to a baby shower. I will soon find a reason to make me crave someone’s downfall.
Then, I will destroy their reputation by dispersing believable but nasty rumors about them among our colleagues. For instance: they don’t wash their hands after using the restroom. Or they keep live, venomous snakes in their filing cabinets. Or they are a live, venomous snake, and they do not wash their “hands” because it would disintegrate their disguise.
Once they are shunned, I will then co-opt their position and the loyalty of their colleagues. I will be unstoppable.
3. Leaving a Mark
One must leave a long-lasting legacy on the world, otherwise you are worthless and better off having never been born.
The mark I will leave is shattering the glass ceiling. Like birds, women tend to smash head-first into the glass ceiling over and over again because they do not realize they cannot pass through the seemingly transparent and unobstructed space that is sneakily occupied by glass. It gives millions of women concussions every year. I will personally lead the charge to shatter this ceiling so women can jump as high as they want to.
I have personally determined that a woman can take 15 Newtons of force square on her noggin before sustaining brain trauma. So if I rally the approximately 2.3 billion adult, able-bodied women on Earth, I’m sure we can collectively shatter the ceiling if we headbutt it together.
However, if that doesn’t work, we can take inspiration from Vesna Vulović. Not all of us will live like she did, but I imagine if we push a few dozen or up to a few hundred thousand women out planes, they will crack the glass ceiling.
If all else fails and womankind cannot shatter the glass ceiling, I will personally decorate it and make it a stained glass ceiling so at least it looks cool while it’s oppressing us.
4. Travel
According to American Airlines and United, one should see as much of the world as they can.
I personally am going to travel to Oklahoma because it is very flat. Since it is so flat, there will not be things like hills or mountains obstructing my view of the world, so I will be able to see a lot of the Earth at one time.
Additionally, I will most likely fly to Oklahoma on an airplane. Perhaps I will jump out of this airplane and attack the glass ceiling. Two birds with one stone. Assuming I am traveling in a window seat, I will be able to see a whole lot. But if I am sitting in an aisle or middle seat I will do my best to befriend my seatmate who grabbed the window seat. I will use this friendship to make them scoot over periodically to let me get a good gander out the window.
5. Die
The final thing one must do after they graduate is die. Everyone dies, and the members of the Class of 2020 are no exception.
I will probably die jumping from an airplane when I try to shatter the glass ceiling. But if l live to die another day, I would like to die in a hospice. In hospices, they give you a lot of morphine as you are dying, and I’ve heard that’s a good time.
To the Class of 2020, I wish: Have a nice life.
Hugs and kisses,
Madeleine Daniell
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