Recent videos sent to the Stupe have revealed that last night, campus celebrity Derek S. Mondres was outside Gateway West when he abruptly began to scream and cry, “2019, I am sorry! You were not the worst year in Snevets history!” In the four-minute video from an anonymous source, Mondres was spotted screaming towards the sky and punching the side of the building before pulling himself together and then walking towards EAS.
Based on the angle the video was shot from, The Stupe’s experts would have to guess that the source of the video was someone living in the Sigma Pie Upsilon fraternity house, which is across the street from Gateway West.
“I don’t know what he’s doing on campus,” commented Adrian Murt, a brother of Sigma Pie. “Mondres is always up to no good. Campus is closed. Stay home and cry to your friends on Zoom if you’re so upset,” he added.
When asked if he knew the source of the video, Murt stammered, “Uh, no I don’t know who took the video. None of our brothers are vloggers or anything.”
The Stupe reached out to Mondres for comment on the prized footage.
“I can’t believe someone had the audacity to take a video of me without my consent. My face is copyrighted and can only be in videos produced by SHITTV,” said Mondres, furious. “I will sue them and make sure to get at least 1.6 million dollars,” he yelled.
When asked for details as to why he was crying, he got more serious and said, “I reported that 2019 was the worst year in Snevets history. But 2020 turned out to be worse! My reputation as a reporter is destroyed. Not that there’s anything to report on, or a paper anymore.”
Mondres proceeded to go on and on about his glory days. “2019 was bad. The ransomware attack. The construction, priority scheduling. The fact that SHITTV didn’t have a couch and I had to walk two extra blocks a day to get to class; I had a lot to write about. Now, there’s nothing! Everything is cancelled and I can’t report on anything! I’m stuck in South Jersey where there’s only the boardwalk and Wawa. How will I remain relevant as a celebrity, uh, I mean reporter, in the Snevets community?”
When asked about his thoughts about this year, part-time clairvoyant Mondres stated he was “certain” that 2020 would indeed proceed to get worse. “Getting worse over time is just typical behavior for Snevets administration. I would not be surprised if they blame 2020 for why their construction projects are delayed by 10 years.”
While it is still uncertain whether Mondres’ episode was caused by his misreporting, or due to fear of early retirement, only time will tell whether or not his most recent prediction will indeed come true.
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