My best friend, let’s call him Wes, frequently visited my house for years. Early on in our friendship at around age six, Wes and I shared many interests. We liked the same toys, played the same games, and watched the same movies. Growing up, I loved Wes because he always played what I wanted to. For several play dates, Wes and I did what I said. One day, while we were doing what I wanted, Wes politely suggested we play catch outside. Hearing this, I immediately said, “after we’re done in here, then sure.” Deep down, I knew I didn’t want to go outside, and I really didn’t care if Wes wanted to either. My toys had my undivided attention. I also figured that since Wes was such a great guy, he would forget about wanting to play outside as we kept playing with my toys. My theory, however, was wrong — Wes called his mom and left my house shortly thereafter.
In the moment, I was so confused. Why would he leave? Was he not having fun? Were my toys not good enough? Was it something I said? Six-year-old me couldn’t comprehend why Wes would get up and leave like that. The next time I invited him over, I asked him why he left last time, and he said, “I was bored so I went to play catch.” Immediately I asked, “How were you bored? My toys are fun.” He then responded, “I wanted to do something else, but we were only doing what you wanted to do and none of what I wanted. I love playing with you, but when I ask if we can do one thing and you immediately shoot it down for something you like, it doesn’t make me feel included and it makes me really bored.” Although I still disagreed with him that playing catch was more fun than playing with my toys, I understood what he said. From that point on, I still ran our playdates and suggested most things but stayed mindful and open when Wes had a suggestion. We are still best friends to this day.
Later in my teens, I hung out a lot with my friend Grant. Grant had a lot of interests. Hanging out with Grant usually meant I was trying something new, which was good for me. Hanging out with Grant taught me about new things and how to be open-minded, and Grant enjoyed my agreeable company. Sometimes, however, I started to feel like Wes when he wanted to play catch at my house years ago. Grant was never really open to suggestions. Anytime I asked him to do something I wanted to do, I just got ignored or pushed to the side. The more this happened, the more I started to resent the new things Grant wanted to show me. I grew bored every time I came to his house because I knew we were only doing something he wanted to do. Eventually, when we were watching him play with his new music production software, I asked, “Why can’t we do something I want to?” He immediately asked me, “You’re not having fun?” I then explained to him that every time we hung out, it was fun, but I couldn’t always be the one who has to try something new. Grant looked puzzled at me for a moment. He then shrugged and went back to what he was doing. I guess he assumed I would eventually forget about what I wanted to do and go back to watching him play on his computer.
After my experience with Grant, I get why Wes left my house that day. Being agreeable is good because it lets you try new things, but someone who does only what they want and lets you have zero input is not a fun person to be around. Being agreeable will make you great company, but being agreeable doesn’t mean you say yes to everything. If you can’t tolerate engaging with someone, it’s time to tell them how you feel.
MESSAGE: Being agreeable will teach you how to be open to new things and people will like you for it, but also know when to stand up for yourself.
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