Heather Drisuller, Chair of the Honor Court, has released her report on the two-month investigation of potential administration interference in the recent 2018 Student Government Council (SGC) Presidential Elections.
The Drisuller Report concluded that administration did interfere with the recent SGC elections and that Mason Slous is a puppet controlled by upper administration.
The report stated that the president’s office bribed Slous to run “with an amount larger than President Narfarvar’s salary.” Administration also connected puppet strings to Slous to symbolize this relationship.
The Department of Useless Information changed the results of the voting portal at stevens.edu/vote to give 60% of the vote to Slous. The report concluded that this was to make the results of the election seem realistic while still handing the election to Slous.
Administration was motivated to install Slous as president after the progress made by the Lukas Hallo administration. Under Hallo’s administration, the SGC took a more active role confronting Snevets administration with problems, forcing them to find solutions. The report alleges that Snevets disliked these solutions as Snevets became more expensive to run. Further, this would reduce the amount the president’s office could embezzle from Snevets. Pal Ravagehey, previous President of Snevets, commented angrily, “Embezzlement and corruption didn’t end with me! I just had to be the fall guy!”
The report elaborated that administration recognized the need to plant a candidate after hearing rumors of the three potential candidates. They felt each one of the candidates could have continued Hallo’s stance with administration — or strengthen it. They identified Slous as a target as he appeared to be a loud, naive, and ambitious new senator. He would serve as the perfect antithesis for the SGC.
Members of the president’s office asked to meet with Slous. During this meeting, a member of the office described their proposal and Slous accepted. Slous informed Hallo and was met with support. Once Slous’s victory was final, the president’s office attached marionette strings to him to remind him of the deal and enhance their control over him.
Members of the Snevets administration — including the president’s office — declined to comment. They directed all inquiries to Slous.
“I’m not a puppet. This is fake news,” said Slous. As Slous stated these words, paper-thin strings moved his mouth up and down. Slous’ legs then walked away. The Stupe was unable to ask Slous any further questions as the strings kept his mouth shut.
As he walked away, the strings attached to his mouth snapped. Slous then started spilling every little detail from his conversations with administration. Slous spoke so fast that The Stupe could not write anything he stated aside from the word “interesting.” When asked to repeat himself, Slous paused for a second, then commented that he forget what he was talking about.
“I’m shocked by the findings of the Drisuller Report,” said Lukas Hallo, former President of the SGC. “When I encouraged Slous to run, I didn’t expect him to actually do it — let alone win. It was supposed to be a inside joke for us cabinet members and not an endorsement in any way, shape, or form. Then it happened; we were all shocked. After this report, I truly regret my statements and apologize to the Snevets student body.”
As members of administration control the voting portals, an anonymous member of the election committee said that running a second presidential election after the discovery of collusion would be “in vain.” Additionally, after fumbling through the constitution, SGC Rules Committee Chair Jack Fireslash concluded that it would be unconstitutional to redo an election simply because of a collusion discovery. Fireslash further suggested creating a new constitution: “We only need a third of the student body to vote. That’s not too many.” Most senators agreed with this sentiment, but a few veteran senators disagreed.
“Target 1067,” said one veteran senator, “Remember that? Of course you don’t, because you are all over-ambitious newbies! Another constitution is almost impossible.”
In the meantime, the senate has decided on a course of action. The senate has decided the best course of action is to simply ignore Slous. “It’s now clear that he’s the mouthpiece of administration, why should we listen to him?” said a senator. “We don’t have strings attached. We can still actively fight for students without regard for administration’s purse.”
With the advent of the Drisuller Report, rumors are swirling that multiple candidates are expected to enter the arena for the 2020 SGC Presidential Election to challenge Slous’s almost guaranteed attempt at a second term. Rumored candidates include every current sophomore senator, every e-board member of campus media organizations, multiple members of the D&I Committee, and former SGC President Timmy Monthly.
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