Pinnacle students across campus have erupted into near-riots after the administration sent an email suddenly revoking priority scheduling from non-freshman Pinnacle students. This action has angered many Pinnacles, who have cited priority scheduling as one of the chief perks of being part of the program. “Being able to register for classes early was one of the main reasons I came to Stevens in the first place,” one anonymous Pinnacle student said in an interview. “Attila being a close second.” Fortunately, this student decided to look on the bright side of the situation. “At least we still have the Gatehouse, right? That’s cool.”
Many students are annoyed at the fact that the school gave little warning before pulling the metaphorical rug from beneath their collective feet. School officials soothed these worries, however, in a press meeting about the change. “We thought about letting people know ahead of time,” said the Pinnacle program coordinator, “but then we realized it’d be easier not to. So that’s what we went with.”
This news comes at a time when tensions between Pinnacle Scholars and everyone else are at an all-time high, as many students began to question the criteria by which Pinnacles were selected. To many, inclusion into the program seemed to be given randomly to incoming freshmen with little basis in academic ability. “I can assure you that all Pinnacle students are specifically chosen using the finest data analyzing system available,” attested an official from the admissions center when asked. That system? President Farvardin’s adorable puppy, Martini. “Whenever we think a student might be suitable for the program, we show their admissions file to Martini. One bark for yes, two for no. It’s frankly amazing how easy it is.”
The school directly cited Eric Londres’ journalistic hit “Priority Scheduling is Out of Control” as a reason for the change in scheduling. In his award-winning Letter to the Editor, the media mastermind pointed out the number of people on campus who have priority scheduling, as if that was any of his business. Londres, fresh from his duel with ex-SGA President Tommy Daly (which was declared inconclusive after a stray bullet hit President Farvardin in the leg) has expressed pride that his gossip-mongering has produced results. “Y’know, they always tell you not to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong,” Londres was recorded saying, “but it worked out pretty well for me this time.”
To fully atone for giving Pinnacle students this outrageous privilege for so long, Stevens will soon announce that non-freshman Pinnacles will now be placed on a special program just for them: from now on, they will have delayed priority registration for all classes. Under this system, Pinnacle students will have to register for classes two weeks after the general student body, to ensure maximum suffering as reparation for their hubris. “We felt so bad for giving Pinnacle students what we told them they’d get that we thought punishing them was the only moral choice,” one administrator said. On top of the change to scheduling, the $5,000 grant Pinnacle students get over the summer has been replaced with a $5,000 fine that they are required to pay to stay within the program.
Some Pinnacle students feel as though the program isn’t what the school advertised. “I’ve been getting bullied for being a Pinnacle Scholar,” one brave soul said in a private interview. “This morning, my CAL professor laughed in my face and called me a ‘Pinny’ when I asked her a question. My girlfriend recently broke up with me when she learned I was in the program. My parents haven’t spoken to me in weeks.” Around campus, the proud “Stigma-Free Campus” signs now sport an addition: “Except for Pinnacles.”
“They’ve had it too good for too long,” said the program coordinator in an interview. “In my day, we would’ve considered ourselves lucky to be able to register for classes at all. Now they’re complaining over a measly two weeks? Pathetic. Just because they said that, I’m adding another week.”
As the administration moves to criminalize Pinnacle students, it seems like only a matter of time before the program will be shut down altogether. And if that happens, that would leave one burning question tragically unanswered: What’s Martini going to do with all that free time?
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