I’m great at making hard decisions quickly… except when they involve me.
Fun fact: when I decided to come to Stevens, I agonized over it for ages. I felt an incredible amount of guilt over making my parents pay for private school, instead of taking full or near-full rides elsewhere. I knew very little about the school and wondered if Stevens’ legendary return on investment would really pay off for me.
Two days before graduating, another school called me back and offered me even more money to leave Stevens and go there instead. I refused (obviously), but not without some major trepidation. Had I gone crazy? I was convinced I had.
My entire first semester here, I was wired and uneasy and perpetually on edge. I wondered, in between several sleepless nights, if I should transfer to Rutgers instead. It would have been cheaper, I reasoned, and I wouldn’t have to bashfully explain where my school was to every other person I met.
In the end, however, my decision to come here turned out to be an excellent one.
Is Stevens perfect? No. But, almost four years out, did it end up being the right place for me? Yes. Unequivocally so.
Even if a situation can feel like life or death, most decisions generally don’t end up in catastrophe. I know that. But that doesn’t mean that my brain doesn’t still inevitably kick into overdrive anytime a difficult personal decision comes my way.
For someone who claims to value objectivity and analytical thinking above all else, I find that making decisions regarding my future are incredibly emotionally draining and difficult, simply because it’s ME that is the confounding variable. Most factors in one’s day-to-day decision-making are easily quantifiable, but humans, I’ve found, are inherently messy. Hell, even I don’t know what’s going on in my brain half the time.
(Nor, admittedly, do I want to. Some things are better left untouched.)
I also find that I have a hard time listening to my intuition, my gut. I’ve seen my decisions end up well when I follow my instincts, and go south when I don’t. And yet — I still pick at my own brain obsessively, if not borderline neurotically, practically begging for a reason to go against my gut.
Oh, and of course, every now and then, my impostor syndrome randomly kicks in big-time, too. Why does anyone think I’m qualified to do anything, again? Am I actually worth what I’m being offered, or am I going to mess things up? What am I doing here, exactly? That’s despite the fact that I know I am definitely more than qualified for what it is I want to do and then some.
I’m painfully aware of what my blindspots are, maybe a bit too much. And yeah — I do wish I could make decisions in my personal life as easily as I do for everything else.
I can’t change overnight, as convenient as that would be. But I am trying to remind myself that nothing worth doing in life is ever easy, and that uncertainty, as much as I despise it, is totally okay and normal and not a weakness by any means. That making decisions is hard, yes, but I don’t need to mentally punish myself until I have it all perfectly figured out.
Slowly but surely, I’m working on being kinder to myself. Because if I saw someone being treated the way I mentally treat myself, I’d be appalled. After years of putting other people and factors first, I should put Namankita first. It’s the least she deserves.
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