When I was approached by The Stupe for the opportunity to 3peat in writing my annual rendition of the Girl Talk column, I couldn’t turn down the offer. However, I feel as of late I have been more out of touch with the effeminate man I used to be. So, in order to prepare for this, I did some soul-searching to find out who I am, and what it really means to be a woman here at Snevets. After about 25 minutes of hard thought and light meditation, I realized that I’m the same person I always was, and I am ready to take this on head first.
There are a lot of struggles faced by being a woman on campus. It seems that the struggles faced are always misrepresented, whether by facilities, professors, or anyone allegedly trying to help. A prime example of this exists in the public bathrooms on campus. The issue doesn’t even stem from the fact that there aren’t enough on campus, but rather that in the bathrooms, there are empty dispensers that are meant to contain feminine products. But it doesn’t take a genius or a scientist to tell that those are not needed in the bathrooms; it would be much more efficient to replace them with cigarette dispensers. All a woman wants on campus is to chief Marlboro Reds™ in the bathroom with no risk of shame from those around them. Whoever was in charge of putting those dispensers in clearly missed the mark. Nothing better encapsulates what women on campus want than a woman smoking some “Torches of Freedom” to relieve the stress of classes.
It seems what girls really want is to have fun. This is clearly demonstrated by the 1983 hit “Girls Just Want To Have Fun” by Cyndi Lauper. You know what isn’t fun? Tech school, homework, the wind, and almost everything going on across Snevets campus. Girls are actively searching for things to take their minds off of the pain of being here at Snevets; hence, the desire to have cigarette dispensers in the bathrooms. This school has ignored the needs of the women on campus for far too long. I urge everyone reading this to stand up against Snevets and demand what is right.
Beyond the cigarettes, I have thought deeply about what else could be changed on campus to benefit women. When I really think about it, I come up with nothing. So the clear and logical conclusion here is that the solution to every problem women face on campus is to make it easier and allow them to smoke in the bathrooms on campus. I stand strongly in support of these changes, and I encourage you all to do so as well!
Disclaimer: This article is part of The Stupe and is satire.
