Snevets has unexpectedly announced that due to sustained dissatisfaction with the operation of the Snevets Honesty System, the current Honesty Board will be dissolved and replaced with an artificial intelligence.
“The Honesty Board, which today consists exclusively of fallible, corruptible, and probably very stupid humans, has not met the standards set by the University and expected by the faculty,” said Snevets in a statement. “Penalty rates routinely fail to meet quota, and professors have complained about being forced to occasionally check their emails. Frankly, we don’t know what the people on the Board even do.”
The current Board has reportedly been blindsided by the move, which sources say has been in the works for months. “I don’t understand! I’ve sharpened pencils for days for this organization,” stated Honesty Board chair Sleghan Mate. “We sharpen more pencils than any other committee in this school!”
The artificial intelligence, designed by Cyberdyne Systems in collaboration with student software prodigy Jorjor Well, has been deemed the “Student-Honor Interface Technology.” It will improve the efficiency of the Honesty Board by up to 143%, allowing it to process cases more quickly and determine outcomes with perfect accuracy, as guaranteed by the developer.
The new public face of the Honesty Board will consist of a team of 15 highly advanced robotic Honesty Board members, which will roam Snevets campus and search for academic violations. Each will run a version of the ChatGPT software that has been modified to be less nice. They will be commanded by a powerful cybernetic supercomputer bioengineered from brain matter harvested from the previous human Board members. The Administration has said that test runs of these robots with undergraduate volunteers have been highly successful, yielding mostly positive survey responses and a negligible number of fatalities.
The rapid implementation of the new A.I. surveillance system has necessitated sudden changes across campus. To accommodate the robots, which consume enormous amounts of power and like to complain a lot, all academic facilities will henceforth be kept at a constant 45 degrees and be flooded with seven inches of liquid coolant. Snevets recommends students and faculty wear wading boots until a permanent solution is found.
In an update since the original announcement, the University admitted that it is still ironing out the kinks in the system. “It’s come to our attention that some students in the beta program are circumventing the Honor process by providing paradoxical answers to the A.I. during investigative questioning. We ask that all students avoid existential topics when interacting with our robotic staff. Additionally, we have found that in rare cases, failing to write the Honor Pledge on assignments will send a robotic agent into a homicidal rage. We ask that faculty reboot the affected system components and exercise caution while the University rolls out a software update in the coming days.”
In related news, Snevets has teased that, in an overhaul to the Honor System’s penalties, it will be reintroducing the electric chair.
Disclaimer: this article is a part of The Stupe and is satire
