You’ve seen them, we love them, we’ve seen them, and you love them: the Squirrels of Stevens. But are they doing the best they could? We took a trip to several local universities to see how our squirrel population sizes up against theirs. It may be time to enter a period of conquest.
NYU: These guys have some tough squirrels. Born and raised on the rough and tumble roads between Bleecker St and 8th St and digging in the tough dirt of Washington Square Park has given them tough skin. These guys could munch on a rock and not realize it wasn’t an acorn because their teeth are so strong. If they were to invade, our squirrels would be overrun in minutes.
NJIT: Another super squad of strong squirrels. Many of them have looked death (in the form of the light rail) in the eye and laughed in contempt. Then they scurried away to steal someone’s bagel. The squirrels are definitely ready to tussle at any time, but their teamwork isn’t as strong. If our squirrels cooperate well, they could take them down.
Montclair: Not an intimidating crew over there. While there, we saw them lose so many acorns that they started re-finding them and thinking they were all new acorns. The Montclair students throw them a bunch of nuts and acorns so they’ve never really learned what it’s like to be hiding in a tree on a rainy day, with barely enough energy to go out and scavenge. They’ve never seen an owl swoop down and take their third cousin away to a distant nest. They are a prime target for our squirrels to invade.
Columbia: Central Park has spoiled these squirrels. There’s too much open space and too many trees for them to get a hard edge. Even though they’re in a city, if the NYU squirrels came for them, they wouldn’t stand a chance. They would probably bury some acorns and then hide in spots that aren’t actually that hard to find. This is another prime target for invasion, with a significant bonus of establishing a foothold in Manhattan for future operations.
So what do we need to do? First, our squirrels must not be allowed to get complacent. If you throw them food, make them earn it. Put it high in a tree, or bury it under some dirt. Make them run past you to get to it. Show them pictures of squirrels from other schools and build a fighting, competitive spirit.
Next, our squirrels need to train. Get them in groups of 100 and start doing drills. Get them into formations, and turn the formations left and right. Form a phalanx like they did in the good old days of the 1200s. Get them chainmail gauntlets, coifs to protect their furry little heads and necks, and spears to thrust into their enemies. Teach them to hold a shield for themselves, and instill a sense of camaraderie so deep they would sacrifice themselves for their neighbor. Teach them to fight to the last man, when a hawk swoops down on one squirrel, ten more should be leaping on it attempting to bring it back down.
Our squirrels have the ability to take on any school, and it’s high time they did so. There’s no reason not to enforce our rodent superiority on our academic counterparts. We need to expand our horizons, bring our squirrels into the new age. They will be the loyal soldiers of destiny, fighting for acorn and nut dominance. Welcome to the new age of squirrels.
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