Ok, I need to be straight with you. As you can tell from the dramatic change of voice and direct nature of this article, I’m not the usual writer for Off the Press. I’m here clattering away on my laptop hoping the noise of my furious typing is drowned out by the lack of listeners nearby. If they catch me blowing this metaphorical whistle, I’ll surely disappear into some fake building like Rocco or Nicoll never to be heard from again.
It’s fake. It’s all fake. There are no Off the Press reporters or editors, secret tip lines, or clandestine meetings with administration. There are no students that are being quoted, no “Bengals Fan,” nothing. It’s literally one guy on a laptop, on his couch, in his apartment at 11:30 p.m. on a Friday night smashing his keyboard to get to between 480 and 520 words every week before Sunday night when it’s due. He makes it all up. I caught him doing it because I’m his roommate. I walked in and he had a Google Drive folder open. It featured all the titles and dates from this semester as well as a pitifully empty ideas folder. It’s almost like he improvises all of them on the spot.
But you have no reason to trust me yet. I could be an Off the Press writer clattering away on a typewriter with a really funny prank to pull on my boss for the April Fools issue. But if I was on a typewriter, would I be able to do this? (types in Arial, a font not available on typewriters). I digress.
I don’t actually know what digress means, but that’s beside the point, and it’s something I’ve always wanted to say. I digress again.
So, St*te, I was able to sneakily get the link to the Google Drive using my photographic memory to take a picture of the URL over his shoulder. That’s how this ended up in the submissions folder, with perfect formatting and everything. I need you to publish this, the people need to know. I won’t stand by and let my roommate deceive an entire student body with tall tales of space shuttles and peas in a pod. They need to know the truth. Please publish this. It’s a little unfortunate that it’s going in the April Fools’ Day issue, but you have to believe me. It’s the only day I knew he wouldn’t be able to get an article done in time. I think he planned that intentionally because I think he knows I was on to him. Hopefully, I’ll have time to
Hmm what’s this weird document open on my roommate’s laptop. Meh, looks like a lot of reading. Well, I’m really behind on getting the Off the Press in this week so I think I’ll just tack some words on the end here and submit it. Plagiarism? Probably, but no one will know. Wow, I really lucked out on this one. I almost had to write a super meta, fourth-wall breaker where I just talk about myself making these up on the couch each week.
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