Twosday

Celebrations surpassing the scale of those at the 150th anniversary, graduation, and the announcement that snow days would still continue to exist erupted on Tuesday, 2/22/22 at 2:22 p.m. as number nerds, math masses, and counting crowds alike marveled at the uniformity of the clock. A select few students waited for the second that the clock read 2:22:22, but their celebration was much shorter (by a factor of 60) than everyone who enjoyed the whole minute. We caught up with two twins who were celebrating the occasion together.

“It’s really exciting for us to have our special number in the day, time, and date like that. Eleven years ago, everyone who wasn’t a twin got their chance on 1/11/11 and now it’s our turn,” they said in unison. At least we hope they were twins. Our reporter was a little tipsy at the time and may have been seeing double. Now that he thinks about it, “There were a lot of twins at that frat party. Like, an aggressive number of twins.”

Two peas in a pod in the produce section at Shoprite were enjoying their moment as well. Peas can’t talk, but according to our grocery reporter if they could, they would have said, “This is probably the best moment that any pair of peas has ever had together.” 

The two birds that would have been killed by the same stone were saved when the marvelous moment on a clock distracted them from their original flight path. The stone, thrown by a really rude guy who apparently hates birds, proceeded to crash through a window. A nice old lady who was cooking in the room threw it back in retaliation and hit the student in the ass as he tried to run away.

The two wrongs that were trying to make a right took a moment to be impressed. “I think if I steal all the food from your family and then you steal the bread from the store—oh look the clock—then we’ll have done two wrongs but you’ll have kind of done something right.” We’re fortunate to get even just this quote because the reporter involved got into an intense ethical debate and we haven’t been able to contact him since then.

Two sides of the same coin, a New Jersey quarter to be specific, really thought the miraculous minute showed how heads and tails aren’t so different. The George Washington head on the front told us how peoples’ obsession with arbitrary date and time numbers should be of no real significance, given that numbers merely represent value but do not possess value themselves. The George Washington crossing the Delaware River on the back told us that without precise timekeeping, without everyone understanding how the numbers worked, he never would have been able to stage this surprise attack because no one would be ready at the same time. “Now let me take care of these pesky Hessian mercenaries.” We’re proud of you George. 

To conclude with our two cents from Off the Press, we only have two words left in the word count.